My date with The Juice

I know what you are thinking…how can Darby possibly have had a date with The Juice since he is where murderers tend to be…PRISON. Well let me tell you the story of how the Juice infiltrated our day…

It started out innocently enough (wow, I never realized how funny it would be to type innocent into anything pertaining to the Juice, but I digress), Batson, Tannis and myself were set to play a round at golf on the Augusta of the Beaches; Dentonia, with sprawling hills, traffic roaring by and what appeared to be renovation waste on the 12^th hole, it is a gem buried in the middle of our fair city. Things got off to an ominous start when both Tannis and I were forced to throw down $5.99 a piece on regulation golf shirts…who knew Dentonia had injected some class into a usually laid back morning. Armed with my 1964 clubs made of what feels like cast iron, we took to the first tee, sporting our brand new duds. Batson of course was the pro of the crew with regulation golf shoes as well as decent clubs…fancy!!!!

Then on the 4^th hole, magic began to happen…Batson found a ball that was simply called Juice, which I immediately claimed given my penchant for OJ Simpson jokes. Anyone who has spent any amount of time with Tannis or myself know that making fun of OJ is a national pastime of ours…”Dammit, you know who the hell this is...It is AC!!!!” I fondly remember the chase of June 17, 1994 where my Dad famously uttered the phrase, “I sure hope he hurries up and kills himself before it gets too dark to see” as day quickly turned to night on that infamous California freeway.

This is where the day took a weird turn…normally an absolutely BRUTAL golfer; my ball could do no wrong. It would overshoot water hazards in which I usually set up shop, dance over Archie’s (bunkers) and just when you though The Juice was gone, he would re-appear, in a reasonably favourable position. All of this prompted us to make constant reference to OJ eluding the certain fate of life in jail for killing two people. I even began to refer to myself as Johnnie Cochrane for helping The Juice out of such sticky situations. Think about it? We were on a golf course, where OJ had spent so much time searching for the real killers...this was too good to be true!

We were becoming very thirsty at the same time and this is where (are you listening Tannis???) my iPhone came in handy. We were able to look up the number of the clubhouse to call and summon the beer girl (Sexy Blue eyes) to meet us on the 13^th hole for our first round of the day…of course we asked her to follow us for the next 3 holes so we could purchase a round at each hole. I am sure she was both amused and frightened at how hardcore we had become at 11:30 in the morning. Finally we reached 18 and I was ready to bid adieu to the Juice. I borrowed one of Batson’s not 500 lb clubs and launched one towards VP station. As Juice took off out of sight I quickly regretted my decision…”NOOOOOOO! Juice!!!!!!!” Wouldn’t you know it, Juice turned up amidst the garbage and scraps from the recent started construction? I had a new friend; the Juice and I were going to stick together no matter what!

As we enjoyed a cool beverage after our round, the talk quickly turned to Juice and his slippery ways. Almost instantly he managed to snake his way down a hole in the picnic table…just out of our reach!!!! I tried to put my fingers into the hole to grab him and noticed the outer lip was rather sharp…memories of Jamestown ran through my head, which only adds to the irony of the events to come. Fortunately we have no respect for property so Tannis and myself managed to break away some of the plastic covering the picnic table enabling us to dig Juice from the depths of the table…we paid no attention to the used cigarettes and other foul garbage we were fishing through, we had Juice back!

We decided to go back to my place for a post round barbecue and this is where the karma of OJ really took hold of our day. As I was separating the burgers in preparation of lunch, the knife slipped and I stabbed myself in the palm of my hand!!!! People I kid you not; you make fun of OJ for too long and you end up getting stabbed. I ran onto the deck holding my hand, which was bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig and subsequently managed to drip blood all over my deck. I was able to do to my deck what I had done to Kim’s 5 years earlier…soil it forever. There was karma everywhere on this day! And for anyone who understands the reference to Kim's porch, Batson was in fact drinking Busch beer...which has subsequently been banned from my house

Of course after much pontification and reasoning it became obvious that I needed to get stitches, so off we went to St. Elsewhere (East General) but this was quickly aborted in favour of me playing my baseball game. I could not wait anymore, it was simply to annoying, and I held our hopes it would stop on its own. It didn’t and I had to go to St. Mike’s Tuesday morning where I was stitched up in short order…

What’s the moral of the story? Never make fun of others misfortune, or else it will show up on your front door, or in your kitchen. You make fun of OJ and you end up stabbed! By the way, it was Judge Ito’s birthday on Monday as well…how is that for irony???

Diary of a Tigers game, May 2, 2010 vs. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

I am going to try something a little different today; instead of recapping at the end of the game when I have forgotten much of what went on, I am going to keep a running diary as the game goes on. This could be disastrous or it could be interesting, but at any rate, maybe I will be able to capture something special with this new exercise.

Hey, Rod and Mario are calling the game instead of all the crappy announcers I have been subjected too all week. I guess when the Red wings are still playing FSN Detroit shows their games so I am stuck with the opponents feed and commentators. This sounds a little more like it…

Its game time…today’s pitching matchup is Justin Verlander (Lyla’s boyfriend) vs. Jarred Weaver and it should be a good one if we see Verlander of normal, not the shaky one I have seen most of this year.

1:05 – Erik Aybar leads off and flies to center…bad trend perhaps; Verlander is not missing bats much this season and was not doing it in the first at bat of the game…he really needs to do that and keep the pitch count down. It would be great and ideally enable him to stay in the game past the 5^th inning.

1:09 – Abreu hits a deep fly to Jackson in center…3 pitch at-bat…better. Nice and economical

1:10 – Torii Hunter singles on the 3^rd pitch. On the bright side it was not an 11-pitch at-bat…here comes Matsui, but not before Hunter is nearly picked off by JV…I still hold a level of disdain for Hunter from his days as a Twin.

1:12 – Matsui is 6-15 with a Homer against Verlander, but is quickly down 0-2 on a filthy change-up…lazy grounder to Santiago at short to end the inning. Nice neat, low pitch inning compared to what he has been doing so far this year. Let’s hope this continues. I honestly cannot believe how hungry I am right now. It is getting dire, and I really can’t wait for that Mango Jerk Chicken wrap.

I must admit the Bernstein family law firm’s commercials freak me out. They are a weird looking bunch and that one has an insane lazy eye. I wonder if he is actually blind because he is never looking anywhere close to the camera. Not that it matters, but I am kind of curious as to what the deal is.

I feel it is necessary to mention once again that it is so nice to hear Mario and Rod after a week of idiot Twins and Angels announcers…ok, only the Twins announcers are idiots.

1:15 – Austin Jackson leads off…hitting .356 and looking great on my fantasy team. Speaking of fantasy baseball, I am torn today; Verlander and Weaver (the opposing pitchers) are on my team. Do I want a low scoring game or a Tiger crushing? Maybe a 2-0 game where only Cabrera and Jackson get hits, runs, and RBI’s and ONLY score after Weaver leaves after 6 shutout innings…could be awesome. BTW- Jackson doubles to lead off the game after an 8-pitch at-bat. Love it!! The Tier fan seems to be trumping the fantasy competitor…

1:18 – Johnny D at the dish, looking awesome as usual. .344 avg on the year showing why he was such a great pick up. Wild pitch moves Jackson to 3^rd. Too bad Damon went down looking. I have to stop praising guys so openly in respect of the curse.

1:20 – Magglio Ordonez stepping up and Scioscia keeps the infield back in respect of Mags’ power resurgence. Weaver is throwing some serious cheese right by him so far. Rod is at his Cleveland Brown best today…strike 3 on Ordonez after a big rip.

1:22 – Miguel Cabrera coming up to try and drive in the run. I am wondering if he will see anything to hit, my guess is no…well, I was wrong he challenged him and got him swinging to strike out the side…could be a great pitchers duel this afternoon. I’m giddy!

I am also not going to be describing each and every at bat. I am just setting the tone for this afternoon’s game through the first inning.

1:28- I am still not sure about Kendry Morales. Is he for real? He sort of frightens me, but sort of doesn’t. I still have so much to learn about this guy. Hey, a line drive to left field that was not totally botched by our outfielder. Brennan Borsch is looking great so far (insert your own Catalina Wine Mixer joke here), lets just hope Jim doesn’t just turn it back over to Guillen if and when he comes back. Keep Rayburn at DH (Off the field) give Boesch a shot and leave Guillen on the bench. He is made of glass and putting him back in last year killed the momentum the young guys had built up. Terrible managerial decision that I do not want to see repeated, nor do I want to talk about it anymore. I am still seething over last years collapse.

1:31 – first K of the afternoon for Verlander, so far so good! Kendrick looked over matched (of course he does, he is my fantasy second basemen!)

1:33 – second K of the inning/game…Napoli looked foolish.

1:36 – Boesch leads off the inning, and Mario was just talking about his high school pitching career as he crushes a ball long, but foul…I really like this kid, but he grounds out to Weaver so maybe it is too early to pick him up to replace the garbage Nate “Waste of Space” McLouth. Give him another week.

An interesting discussion about how the best player always played Shortstop in high school and little league…probably why I was a shortstop J

1:39 - Base hit to left by Brandon Inge; too bad Lyla is not here to cheer him on as she loves him and Verlander. He seems to have stepped up his game since she started rooting for him. Lyla might have the opposite effect of the Darby curse…that chicken wrap better get here soon as I can feel myself fading, losing focus…

I forgot Tom Brookens was the first base coach, but can’t figure out why he is wearing number 61 instead of his old number 13…

2:03 – The chicken wrap was well worth the wait and Verlander put the Angels down in order in the top of 3 helped along by a beautiful play by Brandon Inge. Jackson is on 1^st, 1 out with Johnny D at the plate. Weaver’s pitch count is at 62 already. Damon strikes out again, (I never should have said how awesome he looks so far…stupid curse!) Ordonez grounds out and we are finished with the 3^rd. Have I mentioned how much I hate pitch counts.

Poor Lyla does not quite get why the olives she is convinced are grapes taste like, well, olives. She keeps asking for more, pointing at the Olives, picking it up , taking a bite and looking what I would describe as a mixture between disappointed and completely disgusted. I get it, I am always disappointed by how gross olives are. Desiree doesn’t like them either, but it does not stop her from crying at us to try and get more…so she can spit it on the floor. However, Miss Madness has no issue stealing olives off the floor. Weird friggin’ animals…

2:06 – a comebacker, a beautiful stab by Cabrera and a slow one hopper to Sizemore…and that sets the Angels down in the 4^th. I am fairly sure if this was a Yankee or Red Sox game we would only be in the top of the 2^nd at this point…

Am I bad person for finding all these self -esteem promoting commercials that FSN Detroit shows (about true beauty in somebody’s heart or saying good bye to a dying parent) to be a little much for a baseball broadcast? Can’t we stick with Mom and Pop law firms, burger joints and beer? I don’t need my emotions played with anymore than the game itself s capable of doing. Thanks. The commercial made the dog cry for Pete’s sake...oh wait she is crying because she is kind of a jerk, my mistake.

2:11 – Rod and Mario are quite amused by Boesch coming to the plate to Snoop Dogg...I think he should come to the plate to Boats n’ Hoes…I also think he should get a hit, but I can’t always get what I want.

2:13 – my blood just started to boil as they mentioned the Twins series coming up this week…I’m curious to see Target field, but could do without the Twins being there…6 K’s for Weaver through 4 innings as Inge goes down. Good thing Lyla was too busy looking for whatever food she dropped during lunch. Yes Bats, I am still hating on the Twins; whatcha’ going to do about it??

2:15 – Lyla is roaring like a good little Tigers fan. Holy smokes, there are actually trees in Detroit still! I wonder where those are? Maybe that was trick camera work because I am a bit skeptical about that one.

2:20 – Another nice neat inning by Verlander; fly out, ground out, strikeout. Mixing it up. 0-0 as we head to the bottom of the 5^th.

2:23 – The bottom of the Tigers order needs to come live…and as I type that Avilla knocks a single to right to lead off, followed by Sizemore singling on an 0-2 pitch. First and third, nobody out. Maybe I have the exact opposite effect on the bottom of the order than I seem to have on my favourite players?. We can call it the Lyla effect. Speaking of which, she has made a slide out of boxes, which is brilliant and super cute. I brought home a stack of broken down boxes, so she took the top one and laid it on top of the pile, and has it running to the ground. She then climbs on top of the stack and slides down the box that she has positioned. My kid is a creative genius.

2:27 – Santiago singles to being home Avilla and move Sizemore to 3^rd. Tigers jump out to a 1-0 lead. Lyla is celebrating by flashing her belly. Lets hope she stops doing that when she gets older.

2:29 – A Ricky Vaughn-esque wild pitch by Weaver brings home Sizemore and moves Santiago to third. Can you hear that? It is the sound of the wheels falling off of Weaver’s afternoon…Jason Bulger is up in the pen as Weaver hits the 95 pitch mark…No relation to Marc Bulger or else things could go really bad for Anaheim.

2:30 – “If Jackson could move Santiago to 3^rd with only 1 out that would be really nice” I love Rod Allen’s insight. Lyla is screaming at me right now…”DAD! DAD! DAD!”

2:32 – a tough day at the plate for Damon continues as he fails to bring Santiago in from 3^rd…2 out.

2:35 – Magglio walks, first and third for Cabrera. Weaver is well over 100 pitches and looks to be labouring a little bit. I have decided that fantasy baseball will still be there tomorrow as Cabrera brings in Santiago to make it 3-0 and chases Weaver. I have never seen this Bulger guy so I have no idea what to expect.

I do want to take second to comment on the fact I am a bit concerned as I am openly speaking well of today’s game...lets hope Lyla has helped reverse the curse… I think the fact the PA guy is playing “Hot in Here” by Nelly tells me things are looking up…great song!

2:40 – Bulger promptly gives up a double to Boesch to drive in Ordonez on the first pitch he throws…Brennan Boesch is looking like a solid fantasy pick up, until Leyland benches him for some old broken down stiff.

It actually amazes me that I have never made this connection, but Jim Leyland coaches a lot like Mr. Horruzey ran the Malvern Baseball team; veterans first despite the fact the guys on the bench were better and would routinely decimate the starters in intra squad games. You have to respect the veterans even if it means dragging your team down to their mediocre level. Nothing against Carlos Guillen, but the team has performed better with any of Rayburn, Kelly, Boesch, or Clete Thomas in the lineup over the last two years. They inject that awesome youthful energy that the Tigers are often missing. I’m not a pro Manager but this just seems obvious. On top of that you are able to help the young guys mature which can perpetuate a culture of winning.

2:43 – In the midst of my rant, Brandon Inge strikes out to end the rally…4-0 as we go the 6^th. Tigers are outhitting the Angels 8-1.

2:47 – Lyla is hiding behind her hands and yelling boo at me, while she blows kisses and picks her nose. Multi tasking at its best!

Wow, Mickey Hatcher’s jet-black dyed hair looks ridiculous. Wasn’t he totally grey in 1988 when the Dodgers won the World Series? Yes he was I just looked up a picture from the 88 playoffs. Here is a tip, when you are so visibly documented as having grey hair, just stick with it. Its ok. Dying your hair jet-black kind of makes you look sad because we all know you are grey. Stick with what works Mickey. BTW, Orel Hershiser was insanely great during those playoffs. I hope Hatcher and Scioscia send Orel cards for every occasion throughout the year to thank him for that World Series ring.

2:49 – Verlander strikes out Aybar to end the 6^th…16 in a row retired by JV including 4 K’s

2:53 – Avila hits a liner to right and turns it into a double with some great hustle. “Playing the game the right way” to quote Rod Allen.

2:54 - Sizemore moves him over with a sacrifice bunt…”Doing the little things” says Rod. It’s amazing that our Sizemore is outperforming the Indian’s Sizemore. Brutal fantasy baseball trade on my part. I should have kept Adam Jones!

2:57 – Oh No, it’s the Ninky-Nonk! If you have kids you will absolutely understand what I am talking about, if not, you can always google it. Austin Jackson with his 3^rd hit of the afternoon to drive in Avilla. I am guessing Lyla is done with baseball for the day as she just dropped a football on my laptop. I will give her credit, she secures it really well. Adrian Peterson could learn from her.

2:59 – Leyland still looks cranky; maybe that smoking in the clubhouse ban is really starting to get to him. Damon flies out to left to end the 6^th. Tigers 5, Angels 0 as we move to the top of the 7^th.

I wonder if I will be able to watch this replay the series show about the rivalry between Catholic Central and Trenton High. It sounds like compelling TV; a championship game that was halted when one of the players had their throat slashed by a blade during the game. They are going back 11 years later to finish the game…crazy!!! Check it out at replaytheseries.com.

3:03 – When asked, Rod Allen has just ranked Roy Halladay as “top 1” amongst active pitchers. “There are guys with better stuff but nobody knows how to pitch as well or works as hard as Halladay” Do you agree or disagree?

3:06 – I need things to talk about during the top of innings as Verlander is moving along at a Halladay like clip, setting down 19 in a row. Surgeon like precision through 7 innings as Matsui flies out to Dan Kelly in left…yet another successful catch of a routine fly ball by our left fielder. I know it sounds silly, but this team would have two more wins if left fielders were able to hang on to routine pop ups over the last week.

Another mean and judgmental observation; all the people giving testimonials on the Bernstein Law Firms newest commercial look like they are in the mafia. Coincidence? Talk amongst yourselves…

Rod and Mario are discussing how much money the toothless little guy they just showed collected from the tooth fairy. Its more interesting than talking about Brian Stokes (the new Angels pitcher) that’s for sure…

3:11 – Correction, Stokes strikes out Ordonez on a nasty hook, so he can’t be a total stiff. Cabrera skies one for out number 2 and Kelly pops up to the catcher for the 3^rd out. We move to the 8^th.

3:13 – Eastern Michigan has imposed a freeze on tuition, room and board. Are you listening Dalton McGuinty, you thieving bum?? By the way, I’m really enjoying the HST (that was supposed to start on July 1^st , but actually partially started on May 1^st. Thanks liar.

3:15 - Verlander K’s Morales on a ridiculous changeup. This is a thing of beauty to say the least. 24 batters faced, 20 first pitch strikes.

3:18- That is a ridiculous slider! 99 MPH fastball mows down Mike Napoli. 22 in a row set down by Verlander through 8. A weak single by Torii Hunter is the only blemish on an otherwise perfect day.

3:23 – Scot Shields on to pitch the 8^th for Anaheim and gets Inge to fly out to Hunter in CF. Sorry I praised you earlier Brandon! I did not mean to throw off your rhythm. I’l leave the Brandon Inge support for Lyla as it seesm to have a positive effect as opposed to my 0-4 inducing impact

3:36 – Verlander K’s Wood to lead off the inning, and Izturis pinch hits for Willis with 1 out in the 9^th. Base hit to right field…ending a run of 23 in a row by Verlander. Up steps Aybar.

3:38 – Aybar singles driving in Izturis who had stolen second base uncontested. That’s the end of the line for Verlander…8.1 innings, 3 hits, 0 walks, 7 K’s 1 ER. Here comes Valverde…I’m giving JV a standing ovation in my living room. Dare I say he is rounding into form? That’s two great starts in a row, which is reason to believe. I still want him to be a light in my child’s life.

3:41 – As I watch Jose Valverde warm up all I can think is that I hope the spirit of Fernando Rodney is not channeled through him, after all he is in the park today…

3:43 – Abreu singles, and Valverde gets Hunter. 2^nd and 3^rd, 2 outs….still nervous with good ole Gas Can in attendance, probably trying to vex them with his vacant stare…

3:45 – Hideki Matsui scares me no matter how old I think he is. Fortunately he grounds to Sizemore to end the game and complete the sweep of the Angels. A nice, neat 2:40 minute game, and a great win over an opponent who usually gives them fits. 5-2 versus Anaheim this year. I like where this could be heading!

In closing, you must check out this link and maybe one day Justin Verlander can be a light in your child's life. I know I want him to be one in mine...

http://www.clickondetroit.com/video/16770110/index.html

The 25 most hated people in my sports world...

Hello sports fans, as promised, here are the athletes I despise the most. I am sure you will notice that many of them have torched my teams over the years, or completely sucked while playing for me team, only to light it up as soon as they leave. Light it up may be a stretch, but they have gone from absolute liability to functional cog in the machine. There are few however who I just inexplicably hate. I know it is not right, but it is what it is. Love it, hate, its up to you, but I am hoping that you will enjoy it. I am going to try and rank them, but really it is hard to differentiate the level of disdain I feel for these athletes, except for my clear cut number 1 and my hatred of him seems to defy all logical rules that govern the hatred of athletes. Maybe it is some sociopathic thing I have but I often compare him to how much I hate traffic, potholes, bad drivers, bad service etc. When I am explaining how much I hate something to my partner, often in an expletive laced tirade, I will always end it with, but I don’t hate that as much as I hate _________. I am not convinced it is healthy but that’s just me. Well, hold onto your hats because here we go…

25. Shaun Bates (New York Islanders)- that little punk scored the goal on the penalty shot that was wrongly awarded to him, and he was an Islander. I really grew to despise the Islanders that year…so much so that I never fully accepted Mike Peca when he showed up in a Leaf uniform. They were the inspiration for me flicking the TV as a means of distracting the opponent. Clever, I know. You can thank me later.

24. Dany Heatley (San Jose Sharks) – He was a Senator, but actually sucked really badly when he played the Leafs or in any big game for that matter. He showed up at times during the Olympics this year, but whatever the case, people who kill other people should end up in jail, not starring in the NHL. However, since he historically vanishes when the pressure is on he does not deserve anymore of my anger than a number 23 seed. It’s there, but he is not important enough to get really angry with. His dismal playoff performance tells me that he already hates himself more than I could ever hate him.

23. Luke Scott (Baltimore Orioles)- This fringe player absolutely crushes the Detroit Tigers. It seems that every single time this weasel is up he crushes a home run about 900 feet. If he did not play for Baltimore he would absolutely be higher on this list, but since his team is totally irrelevant, he is not going to have the privilege of being ranked higher.

22. Billy Beane (GM, Oakland A’s) – I despise how Moneyball depicts him as a genius. He “introduced” OPB as an important stat, is that really genius? He was fortunate to be working in a sport where a bunch of crotchety old boys were simply ignoring it to keep themselves on top. However, his biggest sin is helping create the monster known as JP Ricciardi. I am not a devout Blue Jays fan, but since I live here I hold that clown personally responsible for…wait, I will get into this later, as he clearly will make this list.

21. Martin Gelinas (Carolina Hurricanes) This little weasel scored the overtime winner in game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. That was the Leafs year and they blew it. I mean, Carolina? Tell me you would not have been ecstatic if your team made the conference finals and were playing Carolina. However, it quickly became apparent that Arturs Irbe and the rest of that crew were going to take down the beaten up Leafs. When Kaberle scored to force overtime in Game 6, optimism was in the air, but we were quickly crushed by Gelinas’ goal in OT. I can’t truly blame him exclusively; I hate Spacek, Wallin, Brind’Amour, Cole….Ok I have to stop. I am getting angry just reliving this horrible moment….I honestly listened to the radio call about 400 times that summer, just to build my hatred of the Carolina franchise. It took a while to warm up to Paul Maurice as Leafs coach after the lockout…

20. Chris Neal (Ottawa Senators), Tie Domi (Toronto Maple Leafs) – These guys are/were no talent stiffs. They run their big stupid mouths off as if they mean something to their team’s success or lack thereof. Honestly, why do reporters even stop by their lockers? Oh ya, because these two glory hound douche bags will say ANYTHING to get on TV. To listen to them talk about what their teams need to do, or pretend that they are contributors makes my stomach turn. Hey guys, you are meatheads who get paid (way more than I will ever make) to punch out equally as inconsequential stiffs. Lets not forget your place in the pecking order. Notice I ranked them as one entry, because they are basically interchangeable…good fighters, terrible players, and egotistical loudmouths. I am actually going to rank Domi at 18, Neal at 18.5 since Domi was a Leaf and therefore I am more embarrassed for him. Thanks for making our team look worse than it was dink.

19. Michael Peca (Buffalo Sabres, New York Islanders, Toronto Maple Leafs) – You were a jerk in the 1999 Eastern Conference finals, I was ecstatic when Darcy Tucker took you out in the 2002 playoffs and you SUCKED when you played for the Leafs. You were a one man wrecking crew while you played against the Leafs and you were a shell of your former self when you played for the Leafs. I really hate to say I was glad when you broke your leg, ending your dismal Leaf career, but if the cast fits…actually, I don't hate to say it at all.

18. Dominik Hasek (Buffalo Sabres, Czech Olympic Team)– Nagano, 1998, Playoffs 1999, NHL, for a long time. Do you know what its like to watch a hockey at like 3AM in the morning only to have some floppy bozo steal a win from you? Actually he did not steal it from us…that will be covered in number 15…however, I grew to despise him during the 1999 playoffs (even though he was a weak ass baby and didn’t play in game 1&2 vs the Leafs)..ok, I must interject that I am ONLY getting the Mavs Spurs game in Spanish so I am watching Rocky V instead...God help me! It is getting me angrier, fueling my passion for writing this blog. Anyways, back to Hasek; watching him jump around like a total jackass in 1998 made me want to punch him. Hearing Canadian hockey fans talk about how they loved Hasek made me feel defeated. I recall an incident at work where one of my co-workers was telling me about how her son LOVED Hasek, shortly after he eliminated the Leafs. Honestly. I really had to suppress the urge to tell her that I was going to punch her kid. I hate Dominik Hasek…maybe he should be ranked higher on this list, but whatever, there is a lot of hate to go around…

17. Marc Crawford (coach Canadian Olympic Team 1998, Colorado Avalanche, Vancouver Canucks) – Ray Bourque in the shootout in the quarterfinals? With Wayne Gretzky on your team? Really? This stupid egomaniac ruined any chance Canada had at winning a gold medal at the first ever Olympics featuring NHL players. Did he have ANY idea how important this was to Canadian hockey fans? Clearly it was ore important to establish himself as a shrewd thinker, coming up with unusual concepts…whatever, you are a selfish dick and you make this list because of it. I am not even going into the whole Bertuzzi/make him pay the price issue. You are a disgrace to Canadian hockey Crawford. I am done with you

16. Larry Murphy (Minnesota North Stars, Washington Capitals, Toronto Maple Leafs, Detroit Red Wings) – you absolutely SUCKED while you played for the Leafs, than became an integral part of the Wings winning the Cup. Thanks a lot dick.

15. Daniel Alfredsson (Ottawa Senators) – If this bozo did not fold up like a cheap tent each and every year n the playoffs he would definitely rank much higher on this list. His lame mocking of Mats Sundin (the stick into the crowd gesture), the running of Darcy Tucker in the 2002 playoffs, the smug attitude and cheesy smile before each and every playoff series between the Leafs and Sens. It makes my skin crawl. Fortunately, he has NEVER been able to lead his team to a win over the Leafs. No matter how much better Ottawa was in the regular season, he played like he was already planning his summer vacation. That’s your captain Ottawa…and you wonder why you never do anything when it counts? Your captain is totally representative of your city. Did I mention I hate the city of Ottawa? He is a perfect choice for number 15.

14. Vernon Wells/Alexis Rios (Toronto Blue Jays and Chicago White Sox) – The more I get into this, the more I realize I may actually like the Jays, or at least care what happens to them. Maybe it is because it happens right under my nose? These two jackasses have stolen over $200 million from the Toronto Blue Jays, completely hamstrung them financially and created an atmosphere where it is ok to claim they cannot compete with the financial giants. They also cannot compete with the financial cripples like Tampa Bay, Minnesota, or Oakland. They have helped create a culture of losing that will inevitably lead to the tem leaving. Wells has the audacity to write snarky notes to heckling fans, claiming to not harass them at their gas station jobs…at least the gas jockeys you ridicule earn their money you bloody thief. Try earning your check and not being voted the worst everyday player in the American League. You claim to be the new team leader, then lead, be the man. You are a friggin’ disgrace. Rios, is not even worthy of an explanation. I think the fact he was given away speaks volumes to the heist he pulled on the city of Toronto. I hate these clowns!

13. Taka Michinoku (former WWE light heavyweight champion) – This guy was terrible. I was actually thinking of becoming a wrestler just to take this clown out. I wanted to go to a live WWE event and attack him. I figured that they would have to make me a superstar simply to explain how their light heavyweight champion got taken out. He was the inspiration for the Pipe Wielding Madman, and was an eye sore on wrestling during it’s mid-90’s renaissance. He is easily my most hated wrestler of all time, except for…

12. Syxx/X-Pac (former WCW/WWE wrestler, current TNA embarrassment) – the term coat tails must have been created to describe this guys place in the “pecking order”. It amazed me how such an irritating little twerp was ever given Main Event status in any wrestling promotion. He reminds me of Salacious Crumb from Return of the Jedi; that annoying, cackling thing in Jabba’s castle that picks out C3P0’s eyes. Watching him wag his tongue and grab his crotch makes me physically ill. Most of this was done hiding behind Kevin Nash and Scott Hall before they became dinosaurs. He managed to take two incredibly awesome wrestling factions (nWo and D-Generation X) down several notches, all by himself. He must have some serious dirt on Hogan, Nash, HHH et al because there is no way he is in their class. Hell, he is not even in MY class. Seeing how far he had “fallen” on the surreal life was almost as brutal as his wrestling career. You would have been the Pipe Wielding Madman’s first victim for sure! Taka could have waited a week…

11 Tracey McGrady (Raptors/Magic/Rockets/Knicks) – You opted out of playing in Toronto because you did not want to play second fiddle to Vince Carter? Can you say selfish???? Nice way to thank a team who drafted you and nurtured you when you were a total stiff. Of course, you have proven that you are nothing more than a regular season player as you continue to choke over and over in the first round of the playoffs. Your teams tend to go on prolonged winning streaks when you are hurt, and now you play for the Knicks…how do you like them apples? Probably way more than I like you, since I actually hate you…

10. Vince Carter (Raptors/Nets/Magic) – He grew so disillusioned with Raptor fans that he came out publicly to say he would not dunk anymore. He went to collect his diploma before Game 7 of a 2^nd round series with Philly (which was the BIGGEST moment in team history). Answer me this Vince, if your diploma was so important, why didn’t you stay in school the first time? I know, because you wanted all the cash that goes with being a first round draft pick but were never willing to make the necessary commitment to being a professional. You abandoned your team and laid an egg in Game 7. You basically quit on an entire city. You wined and made yourself such a pariah the Raps terrible GM was forced to trade you for nothing. You set the Raptor franchise back even further than your idiot cousin did. Thanks a lot you jerk. You suck and I know that you will fold up when the chips are down this year. That’s what losers do…HOWEVER you are not a total playoff bust like your aforementioned cousin, so you rank higher on this list. You also have more talent than almost everyone who has ever played but you are an unprofessional dink. Just think how good you could have been if you decided to try consistently…what a joke you are.

9. Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners)- What makes you so special? You have your first name on the back of your jersey as if you are some one named celebrity, like Oprah? They always say how if you wanted to hit 30 home runs you could, which I do not believe…you are a scrubby little singles hitter who comes to the plate with that smug look and drops little bloopers over the infield…wow, so talented. How about driving the ball a little or I don’t know, having your last name on your jersey like everyone else in pro sports. I always put this clown on my do not draft list because I don’t want him on my team…I can’t even be bothered to try and impose the Darby curse on him…

8. The idiots who announce Minnesota Twins or Chicago White Sox games –The only one of these clowns whose name I know is Bert Blyleven. I used to really like that guy but talk about a homer! This is reason enough for him not to be inducted in the Hall of Fame; he is a terribly biased announcer and I nearly punch my TV every time I hear him and his fellow crony commentate games (kinda like now). The White Sox announcers actually cheer openly and talk as if they are on the team, which is, to quote Johnny from Slapshot, fuckin’ embarrassing!!!! I don’t mind showing some enthusiasm but to be openly cheering for the home team is pathetic and unprofessional. It is distracting as usually my disdain for these 4 morons take away from my enjoyment of the game. Save the cheerleading for fans like me, just commentate and tell me neat stats about the players. Have you never listened to Vin Scully??? Go to iTunes, download some classic games, sit back, listen and learn. Until then, shut up!

7. Denard Span (Minnesota Twins) – This bonehead absolutely kills the Tigers, to the point where I was kinda glad when he hit his Mom with a foul ball this spring. I have also been known to curse players by selecting them for my fantasy teams, so what did I do?? You guessed it, I drafted him for all 3 of my fantasy baseball teams this year. I was willing to sacrifice the production to keep him down for a season, or more if I decide to keep him. Of course, all this being said he will probably light the Tigers up tonight, but at least I am doing my part towards making him suck. He could honestly be the nicest guy on the planet and I will still hate him. Maybe Verlander will bean him tonight. Is that going too far? Good! (Author’s note: he was ejected from the game I was watching and dropped the ball in the following nights game to cost the Twins the game. The Darby fantasy curse is alive and well!)

6. Brett Favre (Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Viking, New York Jets) – Retire, seriously!!! You have completely tainted your legacy. You don’t listen to your coach and you delusionally think you are 22 years old…Hey, do me a favour and retire!! Did I say that already? Stop being the gunslinger and costing good teams a shot at the Super Bowl. And seriously, do we need to see pictures of your swollen ankle to show how much of a warrior you are? No, because everybody pays hurt, they just don’t have their agents post disgusting ass photos on the Internet to try and distract us from the fact that you gagged and blew the game for your team. They even changed the friggin’ overtime rules for you. Stop with the annual Favre watch, stop calling press conferences and then acting all surprised that reporters show up. Seriously Brett, GET OUT! Of course, I turn on PTI and there is a segment about Favre’s ankle…here we go again with the Favre drama…He needs surgery, hopefully he opts out of having it and FINALLY quits…

5. Michael Vick (Dog Killer) – Do I even need to explain this??? Seems pretty obvious to me...piece of human garbage… I hope he sees this and emails me, I would love the opportunity to tell him how disgusting he is personally

4. Tiger Woods – Maybe it makes me seem vindictive but I relished in watching this idiot twist in the wind as his life spiraled out of control. I thought he was a pompous arrogant jerk before all his womanizing and philandering, and I think he is even worse now. Watching his carry on and sear and awkwardly miss high fives with his lunatic camera-smashing caddy…completely disrespectful and sad. Most athletes do that sort of philandering thing, but because he was so stupid with how he did it and his self-serving “comeback” conferences. He was not even smart enough to take care of the girls he was screwing…I mean seriously you could have set them up with apartments, or a bit of cash so that they did not jump at the chance to see their stories for a hot dog, drink and a donut. I mean really, you are dating broke ass waitresses who work at family restaurants and waffle houses. Pretty brutal Eldrick. I liken you to that freaky weird kid in high school who never had a girl pay any attention to him and then he gets rich and famous and all the money grubbers come out of the woodwork and he is an instant ladies man…gets his first taste and he can’t stop…Ok, all that aside, what I found to be the most insufferable were his ridiculous statements and the timing of each of them. The first one, on the day of the season opening PGA event in a desperate and successful attempt to steal the thunder from the sport that has made him his billions. The second one on the opening weekend of March Madness to steal attention away from the NCAA tourney…weak pal!!! The final one took place on the day of the NCAA championship game and the opening day of the MLB season. I honestly wanted to grab him by the neck and shake him. The world does not revolve around you pal. You are a golfer. You play the sport real athletes play when they have time off. You juiced up freak. I know you use PEDs as well. As I write I see that he may miss the cut at this weeks tournament. Ha ha…hopefully you are starting to fade and I wont have to see you all over EVERYTHING for much longer.

3. Roger Clemens – I loved the Rocket when I was growing up. Sadly I misremember all the awesome things he did throughout his career and can’t help see the blithering, guilty, lying fool ducking and dodging while congress asked you about your HGH and steroid use. Had you just come clean and admitted it maybe I could forgive you, but to so adamantly deny it and have EVERY person around you come clean was very disappointing. I had put faith in you as a kid and followed your every move. To have one of your heroes turn out to be a cheating liar who is not even man enough to accept responsibility for his mistakes is truly disappointing. Had I written this two years ago you would not have even been an option to have witnessed your fast, unceremonious fall has broken my heart. I defended you, stuck up for you and tried to believe you, but you don’t even seem to believe your self. You don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt anymore, and you “rocketed” to the top of this list

2. Fernando Rodney – (Detroit Tigers, Anaheim Angels) Boston had the Oil Can, Detroit had the Gas Can (as I liked to call him). I lost hair, went gray and honestly feel as though I have shaved years off of my life for having to have watched him come into close games and pour gas all over the fire. His vacant stare, emotionless demeanor and shaky performance nearly killed me the same way it helped kill the Tigers playoff hopes last year. I swear to God, I am sure that when it came time to implode the Metrodome they had to drag him off the mound where he stood looking like a deer in the headlights since he gave up the winning hit to that dork Alexei Cassilla in game 163 last year. It is one thing to watch your team blow a sizable division lead, it is another to feel dread and anxiety each time a player comes in to “Close things out”. I sued to joke that he came in to close for the other team because of his ability to blow even the most comfortable lead .It changes how your team performs; they tighten up as much as he does. Sure it was not entirely his fault they gagged (right Rayburn, Don Kelly and Miguel Cabrera?), but he certainly cost us more than I would like to have seen. I was ecstatic when Anaheim signed him, but of course he has been lights out this year…this efficiency secured his spot in my countdown. Thanks for bringing that A game in Detroit Rodney!

1. Alexander Karpotsev – (Toronto Maple Leafs, Chicago Blackhawks) Honestly, I cannot even pinpoint why I hate him so much, but that hatred has transcended all logic, rhyme or reason. He has become my measuring stick for hatred and despite how critical I can be, I have yet to come across anything that I hate as much as him. Not as a person as I don’t actually know him, but the idea of him on the Leafs blue line was horrifying. It is borderline sociopathic, but anytime I want to get angry I think of him and it completely puts me off. I have articulated reasons for hating all the other clowns on this list, whereas with Karpotsev it has reached legendary status for no decent reason, or at least not one that I can adequately articulate. That is how you know somebody is number 1 on your most hated list!

Now if you will excuse me I am off to watch the Fernando Rodney less Tigers hopefully beat up on his new team the Anaheim Angels….come on Gas Can…lets make like old times!!!

A tale of two teams…

Don’t get me wrong, I am much happier at this point of the year than I thought I would be, however there is an aura of foreboding doom that seems to be swirling in my mind through 3 weeks of the MLB season. We will call it the good, the bad and the ominous, as there has not been much of the ugly so far…

Let it be known that I am writing this as I watch the Tigers Rangers game so I may have to throw random insults towards Vlad “I’m so old I can barely walk” Guerrero…I am really growing to hate him in a Denard Span type way...and of course as I finish that sentence the stupid asshole hits a double…that’s like 108 hits in this series for Grandpa Guerrero…

The Good…

Johnny D. looks like he is on a mission; rejuvenated with a notable chip on his shoulder. I really hope he calls Scott Boras and curses him out every single night for making him look like such a clown in the off season. I frankly could care less as he is looking like the biggest bargain acquisition of 2010.

Can someone please tell me who was dressed up as Magglio Ordonez last year?? Whoever is playing right field everyday is clearly not the same sack of garbage that was masquerading as a Major League ball player last season. I do not really care what the explanation is; he is crushing the ball this season…fingers crossed it keeps up at a reasonable pace. To quote Rod Allen, “ He is playing with the enthusiasm of a little kid”

Clearly rehab helped Miguel Cabrera. I can again wear my jersey with pride, and that unopened bottle of Spumante Bambino that was chilling on ice for the last week of September/first week of October no longer makes me want to punch things. He is dominating so far and helping all 3 of my fantasy teams in the process. I like the fro and am thinking there may be a Samson themed promotion coming this year to Comerica Park.

Austin Jackson and Scott Sizemore have been very serviceable in their first month of the season. I pray every night that they keep it up. This Boesch kid has looked great…in a 2 game sample, but hey, I am used to guys coming up and sucking (Dan Kelly)

Mario and Rod are sounding great so far. I never realized how much I missed those guys until I heard their voices on opening day. They are easily one of the best announce teams in the league, and a nice reminder of the fact that it is Tiger season again. To quote Rod, “they really are great”

D-Train and Bondo…giving us WAY more than we ever could have hoped from those two spots and making Nate Robertson being lights out in Florida not hurt as much. 5 of 6 starts have been bearable, so lets build on that…

Mad Max Scherzer could be in line to move JS Giguere out of my man crush spot...Last year this spot was occupied by Edwin Jackson, but the sting of not winning a single bloody game in the last 6 weeks soured our relationship. You know what Edwin, one win in any of those games would have pushed the Tigers into the playoffs. You do realize you let us down, right? Thanks for being so great in the first half, but when the pressure was on and the fans were counting on you, you could not get it done…next…

The Bullpen…for the most part this has been a solid unit. Valverde, Zumaya, et al have been very solid. Ryan Perry has been a bit shaky, but for the most part, reliable…thanks for bailing out a few of our starters mentioned below…

The home crowd; I live in Toronto so I am so impressed that despite Detroit being mostly unemployed and ravaged by the recession, they are drawing 35,000 a game…are you paying attention Toronto???? You should be ashamed of yourselves

The Bad…

Justin Verlander and Rick Porcello…fucking brutal so far. Can you guys please get it together???? Not only are you eliminating one of the huge advantages we were supposed to have coming into 2010, you are KILLING my fantasy teams. Get it together guys, seriously.

Everett, Inge, Laird, Rayburn….you know how disheartening it is to have guys on base knowing that is the bottom of the order? What are you guys hitting, like .150 amongst the 4 of you? It’s like 1950; pitchers can take almost half the game of and still get outs. You keep starters in the game and kill rallies. It is lucky the top 5 are hitting about .800 or else we would be Baltimore. Time to start pulling your weight…or at least hitting it!!!! Last year, you could all get by on your defense (following 2008’s brutal defensive performance), but this year, its time to hit or else we will miss the playoffs again…lets get the bats working.

Jim Leyland is looking out of it so far…there have been…Oh my God, I just overheard, due up in the 7^th, Rayburn, Laird and Santiago…3 up 3 down, 6 pitches is my bet. Sorry, where was I; Leyland has been outmatched on several occasions. Pinch running a catcher, with a catcher, not pinch-hitting a guy, but then replacing him defensively, each time resulting in a loss. You need to step up your game Mr. Leyland. The Tigers have enough holes without you making them larger…

The Ominous:

Falling behind early and often. Nearly every single game they are down by 3 or more runs. I cannot stress enough how exciting it is to watch them claw back every time, but at some point this shocking trend will catch up to them, and I hope it does not come to that. It is also causing me to lose a lot of sleep as they consistently crawl back, and even if they fall short, they make it close. I can never just go to bed because I know that they will undoubtedly tie it up at some point. However, for everyone's sake lets try and get out to some leads or else we will find ourselves in a bigger hole that can be recovered from. Tonight, they were down 4-0, and the score is now 8-4 Tigers….my heart cannot take this all season, and when we start playing the better teams, they will not let them back in it. Do not get me wrong, I love the excitement and am very much invested in the season, especially knowing we can take this division, but there needs to be a better early effort. The falling behind trend needs to stop, now.

Of course as I get to the end of this, Vladimir Guerrero is on his way up. I think my next blog may have to be about the 15 athletes I hate the most…not as people but due to the awful things they do to my teams. You all know what I mean: That guy who regardless of their status within the league just demolishes your team… suddenly I am grinding my teeth, thinking about Sergio Momesso….as I finished that Michael Young (a definite honourable mention on that list) almost shoots the gap, but Austin Jackson ROBS him (see the good)…Josh Hamilton strikes out, and Vladimir swats a single….seriously? I think I need to make a Guerrero voodoo doll…See you in a few days, where I will talk about who I hate in the sports world and why…I am thinking a top 15 may not cover it….Cruz strikes out to end the 7^th so I am going to quit while they are still ahead…

It's Not the Band I hate, it's their fans...

It seems that my recent facebook and Twitter scolding of Blue Jay fans has touched a nerve amongst some of the folks who actually support the Blue Jays. Well, despite the fact that I did not intend to insult the few who actually support the team, perhaps it may light a fire within some folks and get them to up their efforts…

As a few people pointed out, Toronto is a hockey town. This is a fact that will never change. However, we claim to be a world-class city in all respects, and from what I can tell, this comes with the caveat of “if it is successful”. We are not a town that creates a buzz for itself...it has to be forced on us. The bulk of us will ignore something until someone else tells us it is good. Why do you think so many musicians have to go elsewhere and achieve success? It is at this point that everyone in Toronto will start boasting, “oh, they are from Toronto you know” with that smugness that makes my skin crawl. Sports fans in this town are no different, and Jay’s “fans” are the worst of all. I was stunned last year when I attended the home opener vs. The Tigers…the place was rammed full of people…notice I said people, NOT fans. This became clear when these people felt it necessary to start yelling at people for wearing Tigers jerseys and hats. They were trying to be hardcore fans and came across as ignorant, shouting personal insults at players and behaving like morons…Magglio! Magglio! I can still hear it ringing annoyingly in my head.

Trying to take a positive from the experience, I was hopeful that my brother and sister in law were right; the Jays mattered again. However when I flipped on the game the next night, it did not even look like the same park…empty seats as far as they eye could see and the vacuous echo ringing louder than the crowd. I don’t say any of this to be mean; I just want to make that clear. The entire thing breaks my heart. This is the beginning of the end of this franchise. They are quickly becoming the Florida Marlins and that is disturbing to say the least (the Marlins draw about 600 people per game). Baseball is the cheapest ticket in town, so why all of the empty seats if the team actually does matter?

I have asked a number of people over the last few days, all of who claim to be genuine baseball fans if they were excited about the new season. Each of them instead of speaking optimistically about the quick start openly complained how it just isn’t fair that they have to compete against the Yankees and Red Sox every year, and how given those teams huge payrolls, the Jays never have a chance. I suggested that if maybe any of them went to games and showed their support, the team might not be so awful. Nope, its all because of the salaries of their opponents…how weak is that? Doesn’t Roger’s, who have openly stated they will increase the payroll, own the Jays? Maybe if the empty stadium wasn’t quite so empty the parent company would not mind sinking some money into it? I mean, you don’t become successful in business by throwing money into a black hole, which sadly the Jays have become. Secondly, if ANYONE went to the games than perhaps it may be easier to lure some decent free agents or even keep ones that we have. Admit it, they would look a hell of a lot better with Roy Halladay and Cris Carpenter at the top of the rotation instead of Shaun Marcum and Ricky Romero despite the promise the latter two have shown so far this year.

This is why I feel all those who attend opening day, drink their faces off, act like total idiots and never attend a game again for the rest of the year should be ashamed of themselves. As quickly as you build hope for a successful year, you take it away through your indifference. In the same way that the media blames Leaf fans and their unconditional love and support for a terrible team as the cause of management’s ineptitude/indifference towards actually building a winning team (why bother when the fans come anyways?), I blame the indifference of so called fans of the Blue Jays for not showing them the unconditional love and support that is necessary to encourage ownership to commit to building a winner again, and to create an atmosphere that players want to be a part of. Have we all forgotten 1992 and 1993 and how amazing it was to feel a part of something special? It was pretty great when Toronto were the ones buying championships. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, it just isn’t fair…boo hoo!

It was unconditional love and support that brought a winner in the first place, maybe its time to show your commitment to winning. Set the tone and create the atmosphere. That kind of enthusiasm is awfully contagious. If half of the people wearing Jay’s hats and jerseys actually went to games I would not have had to even write this, but evidently that is just a trend, not a sign of actual affection. When the economically ravaged fans in Detroit can average 37000 a game, there is no excuse for Toronto to not be equally that mark, especially with neither NHL or NBA playoffs coming to the ACC this year.

There are some true and loyal Jays fans left out there, but they can’t do it alone. They need some of you fair weather opening day attending whiners to buck up and help make the Skydome a fun place to be again before it gets to the point where the Jays are forced to move, which judging by the ghost town atmosphere of the last two home games, isn’t as far down the road as we all hope…

The Fun 50

So in the last week there have been some fairly dismal sports performances by my teams: The Leafs, while being “competitive” are badly outclassed every single night. Their opponents literally take nights off and this is how we have been able to fandangle a few victories. It’s embarrassing. The Celtics officially suck. The y lost to bloody New Jersey…are you kidding me???? My fantasy baseball team? Terrible. My whole draft plan got squashed, each time by the guy picking right in front of me…so what am I going to write about? How about a musical [phenomenon I call the fun 50. Fifty songs guaranteed to cheer me up and the reasons why. Please do not confuse this with my favourite 50 songs. I’ll get to that later, but for right now, it is too time consuming. For now, since I am drinking beer, Ill talk about songs that make me smile…they are MOSTLY devoid of merit in every other way. So sit back, and enjoy. Also, feel free to download any of them from Limewire or wherever so you can share in my enjoyment. and yes, I am listening to them as I write this…here we go..

1. A Criminal Mind – Gowan

Not Lawrence…this was when he was still Gowan. Apparently an old coworker of mine lives next to Gowan (lies) and saw his garage door destroy his hands, to which Gowan dropped to his knees and started screaming, “My Livelihood, my livelihood!!!” This will be incorporated into The Shop so watch for it when Tannis and I finish it.

2. Hi, How Are You? – Amplified Niki

I could have sworn this was my Brother in Law Ian, but apparently Amplified Niki is a real person. Hi, How are you? You need to hear this to believe how hilariously awesome it is.

3. No Easy Way Out – Robert Tepper

This song was on the soundtrack for Rocky IV, and I swore it would be my entrance music when I became a pro wrestler

4. Sunday Morning – K-OS

This song reminds me of V Fest 2007; K-Os riding around backstage on his bike while Scott and I sang this song at him. Lyla is doing her squat dance so obviously she approves.

5. Message in a Bottle – The Police

Tannis and I got to the show 5 minutes late and when we walked in, they were playing this song. We literally were hugging and jumping up and down, screaming, IT’S THE POLICE, OH MY GOD

6. Every Rose Has its Thorn – Poison

Kitchen on Euclid, 4 AM, Campfire Alex, busting out the acoustic, me singing the guitar solos, and a room full of folks handling lead vocals and tonnes of air drums…GREAT TIMES

7. So Long – Debaser

So Long, So Long, So Long…enough said…if you don’t get it, oh well J

8. Flags – Mercurymen

Tannis, Brendan Canning and I were the only 3 people in the bar, and the staff were telling the band to turn down, while we yelled at them to turn up. To this day this is one of the greatest bands that nobody knew of. I still LOVE this band

9. He’ll Have to Go – Joe Pesci

Yes, Joe Pesci has a record. In this ballad he rhymes man with….man. Brilliant! He makes my list just for this.

10. Woman – John Lennon

Barry O (250 lbs), a Matt Nokes jersey (Kids XL), the kitchen at Darby’s Pub…I’m getting misty just thinking about it.

11. Fuck You – Duff McKagan

I want the keys to my car, the keys to my house and give me homeboy’s keys, cuz I know you have them too! Duff at his drunken best

12. Crazy in Love – Beyonce

“Got me hopin’ you page me right now”...didn’t Jay-z realize this was in like 2001? Doesn’t Beyonce have a cell phone? This and the fact she has terrible rhythm makes this song so awesome. Just be hot and you can be a star.

13. Photograph – Def Leppard

Polonski’s apartment on Christmas Eve. This guy LOVED Def Leppard and would use anything as a mic. Dancing, singing and sweating. I miss that dude!

14. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) – Journey

Oh My., this video was terrible, yet awesome…mullets, air keyboards, a loading dock and a drummer who looked like they dragged him from a sewer. This was the time before you had to be good looking to be in a band. Its amazing how scary the girl in the video is…youtube this one for sure!

15. Naked Women and Beer – Hank Williams Jr.

Imagine your friends 85 year old Uncle coming home from the legion and commandeering your campfire and insisting on playing his own music, hen having him unleash this gem…this actually happened. Of course we had to hear this song about 375 times, but man Uncle Gord was just as enthusiastic with each play. This is an example of how nothing good happens at 3 AM…only GREAT things do!

16. You’re The Best Around – Joe Esposito

Daniel Larusso vs. The Cobra Kai… Mercy is for the weak. We do not train to be merciful, a man faces you he is the enemy and the enemy deserves no mercy. They should have brought this back for Karate Kid III…

17. Rock Soldiers – Ace Frehley

This song is terrible, yet awesome. Ace kinda sings, kinda raps, but unleashes the line. “If the devil wants to play his card game now…He’s going to have to play without an Ace in his deck” Bam! Take that devil , and take that world!

18. Ready to Die – Andrew W.K.

I describe this as homo erotic agro show tunes…never before has someone sounded so happy about killing someone…this guy should write music for Trey Parker and Matt Stone

19. Humpin’ Around – Bobby Brown

No matter what is going on you will never be as fucked up as Bobby Brown and this is why this song makes the list. He always makes you feel awesome about yourself. We love you Mr. Houston, no matter how sweaty and cracked out you are!!!!

20. You Spin Me Right Round – Dead or Alive

Grandma Molly I’m talking to you!!!! Nice save Wedding singer! This was the first movie Carly and I watched together. Never had 1 lesson, no thanks Pop!

21. The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground

Speaking of Carly, she hates this song, but I love it, and so does Tannis. This song is amazing, and I can listen to it all day….a doo reeer do reeet. Do you look like MC Hammer on crack? Whatever, this song is like crack, f MC Hammer.

22. Soldier of Love – Donny Osmond

Another Barry O favourite…I don’t actually like this song, but it makes me laugh, because if you knew Barry O, you would agree how bizarre it is that he likes Donny Osmond. He did however buy Hands Up on my iTunes account…

23. I’m Still Standing – Elton John

This song has become the theme song for gambling (football) season…each week we survive in the pool, we play this song and dance. It is optimistic as we still have a chance at becoming thousandaires. Not that we have gambling problems or anything, but, we kinda do…BTW, I hate Denver and everything about it.

24. Got You (Where I Want You) – The Flys

Someone actually told me this was the best song ever. It makes the list simply for this reason. I actually know the dumbest person in the world. Good for me!

25. Love me Sexy – Jackie Moon

A fictional character writes a hit song and buys a basketball team…it's my dream in one song! When I Say Love me, you say Sexy…LOVE ME! Your turn…

Take off your shoes and suck me sexy…

26. Hearts on Fire – John Cafferty

Another from the Rocky IV soundtrack…this song gets you all jacked up. My friend Sting and I thought that if we run and do shit in the snow it would make us tough like Rocky, so every recess in Grade 5 after seeing this, we did Rocky training in the snow in the schoolyard. I am going to put a picture of every softball team we are playing on my bathroom mirror and right before I leave for the game I am going to crumple it up and throw it away like Rocky did, while listening to this song….DRAGO!!!!!

27. Human – The Killers

If this song was actually released it shows anyone can release any piece of crap…so go be a musician. You can do way better than this junk. It is a song of hope.

28. Jump – Kris Kross

The Mack Dad will make you Jump Jump! The Daddy Mack will make you Jump Jump! Backwards clothes, pre-teens trying to be badass…It’s Wigittywiggitywiggity whack!

29. All Night Long – Lionel Ritchie

How can this song not make you smile? If it doesn’t open up the vinyl copy of this to the two-panel picture of Lionel sliding down a pole of some sort…a perfect combination! It’s time to Party, Carnival, Fiesta, Forever. Or at least All Night Long!

30. Drop The Needle – Maestro Fresh Wes

This brings back memories of hanging out at Brucey’s house, British Knights and crazy shirts. Carly and I also tried to go to see him, sans the Fresh Wes part on the first night we hung out. I wasn’t wearing a black tuxedo with a Cumber band, damn, but my sacroiliac hurts often

31. Straight Outta’ Compton – NWA

Not only is this one of the two best Rap songs EVER, it is a favourite of Tannis, Ryan and I when we get drunk and start rappin‘ in my living room. NWA is awesome, and they have stood the test of time, and when they ask, “what about the bitch that got shot?” The appropriate answer is “fuck her, you think I give a fuck about a bitch? I ain’t a sucka’!” Damn that shit was dope!

32 Summertime – New Kids on the Block

This song made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Nothing makes me laugh more than mid-30’s former teen idols trying to get back some of the old glory. Donnie managed to get out of jail, Joey got a leave from Boston Public, Jordan stopped making reality shows, Jon got time off from his real estate gig, and who knows where Danny was, but he had to eat yo! Reunions are terrible, but this one was above and beyond…they still made more money than I’ll ever see so maybe they are laughing at me writing this…

33. Hope – Our Lady Peace

Jessel’s house, and a lot of weed…we almost died laughing screaming these lyrics at the top of our lungs…not sure what made it funny, but my guess would be the weed. At any rate, I still snicker and smile whenever I hear it. MY GOD SHE SAID!!!!!!

34. Ghetto Superstar – Pras

I find it hilarious that they made a rap song out of Islands in the Stream by Kenny and Dolly, and even bought the tape to play it side by side and laugh….I have a bad habit of buying music simply to laugh along with it, but whatever, we all have issues

35. The Show Must Go On – Queen

Now I know this is going to make me seem very insensitive, but it must be taken ONLY in this specific context. When Prisley comes over, once every two years and begins to drink like it was a Malvern Dance, he commandeers the stereo and plays a very limited and predictable selection of songs that include, lots of Clapton, Believe by Lenny Kravitz (on repeat), and this song. However, while this song plays, he screams to anyone who will listen “Freddie Mercury is a genius…HE HAD AIDS”, as if none of us are aware of what happened to Fred. So while it is a very sad story, it becomes humourous as now anytime this song comes on, Tannis or I will say to the other “He had AIDS!” in our best Prisley voices. Then we put on The End by the Doors 16 times as Prisley would…did I mention Prisley is a priest?

36. Drive – REM

At the 1994 MTV video awards, Michael Stipe did a spirited rendition of this song where he danced around in a very bizarre manner. Now, everyone watching with us began making fun of Stipe, after watching and praising Eddie Vedder as muttered and looked essentially ridiculous throughout his set. So cool and interesting! Now this annoyed me because how could Eddie Vedder be cool and Stipe be made fun of for doing the same thing? I lost it and launched into a verbal tirade directed at everyone present for being such hypocrites. I ended the rant with, “Come on Tannis, lets get the fuck outta here!” and promptly left. I don’t even like REM. It was at this moment I realized how much I can’t stand pretentious dinks…

37. Bonzo Goes To Bitburg – The Ramones

When I formed a Ramones cover band I did not really know the Ramones at all. I used my position in the Evil Doers to set up a live interview on EDGE 102.1 during Live in Toronto to promote our show; the only problem was I didn’t know any songs besides the songs we were playing. I managed to fake my way through the interview, but nearly blew it when asked about this song…I have since come to know and love it, although in reality I already knew it. It is amazing how many Ramones songs exist in our daily lives and most people don’t even know it’s them! Stay in Rock n’ Roll High School kids!

38. Perfect Friend – Randy Macho Man Savage

Do I even need to explain this?…Randy Savage made a rap album. I do want to give special mention to the soul singer in the background doing his best Boyz to Men impression under Macho's stellar rapping…You’re my Perfect friend, right there until the end…Mr. Perfect don’t you know that you’ll be truly missed!

39. Burn On – Randy Newman

This makes me think of the opening sequence of Major League, which illustrates my favourite time of year…Baseball season. That was the second best baseball movie ever, behind *61, and put the Cleveland Indians back in the public conscious. Up your butt Joboo!

40. I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred

Any song that gave us a decent description of a state of baldness is GREAT in my books…Right Said Fred Bald…you know exactly what that means! The song however is easily the worst on this list…well maybe except for Human because the Killers were good at one point.

41. In This Country – Robin Zander

Over the Top…great fucking movie! This is why you turn your hat around backwards before going to "work"…it also reminds me of the last few days of Grade 8…I think this song may have actually been played at my graduation, which of course I had a lot to do with. We played it on the ghetto blaster during recess while we played foot hockey. I actually went searching for this movie, and on the day I found it, Barry O called me after years of nothing. As soon as I mentioned this to him he replied with, “You’re nose hurt Hawkes?????”

42. Somebody’s Watching Me – Rockwell

This song is awesome, and will always make me smile. The cheesy keyboard, Michael Jackson singing the Chorus, and the scary ass mailman reaching up in the video with is arm all bleeding. What was the symbolism of that???

43. Seal – Crazy

Cuba…Barry O and the dancer who stole his soap on a rope and shower shoes, The bizarre witch doctor who offered Prisley women as a cure for his sickness, fish heads, Keith and his cigars, me throwing up in the pool, the old folks offering to pay for us to stay, our first time meeting legitimate lesbians (this was 93 after all), the weird bartender, the map of Israel, and of course The Cuban Fiancé. Classic! It’s not a burn mate, it’s a tan…aww Ringo!

44. I Know I Got Skillz – Shaq

Yes I have this song, and it is rivaling Human for being terrible, but it is Shaq, and everybody loves Shaq. This is on par with Kazaam as his worst idea ever

45. Informer – Snow

We used to see this guy surrounded by kids in the food court of Pickering Town Centre…like every time we were there. The song is so unintelligible I had to put it on the list

46. Who Loves Ya Baby – Telly Savalas

This was an original by Telly, and it was awesome…The album cover is him in a white leisure suit…on stage! He actually performed live! I am going to go out on a limb and say he was one of the first rappers…he couldn’t sing so he just talked the lyrics to such favourites as Rubber Bands and Bits of String, You’ve Lost that Loving Feelin’ and Something. This was his masterpiece.

47 Girl, You Know it’s True – Milli Vanilli

I sat back and thought about the way things used to be. It really means a lot to me, you mean a lot to me

Do I really mean that much to you?

Girl you know its true

Said in your best Milli Vanilli accent…

48. Everybody Have Fun Tonight – Wang Chung

Pure unintended comedic gold! He uses his own name in the song which sets it apart from other songs about partying. I mean, who else’s name is a synonym for a good time? Only Wang Chung my friends!

49. Demolition – Rick Derringer

The best original wrestling theme song ever. Bad ass, and menacing, just like they were before Axe got too old and Crush came on board. Real American (also by Derringer) was awesome too, but the video of Hogan playing guitar over crappy backdrops all over American totally ruined its cred…except when Mr. Wonderful stole it because he thought he was the Real American! That was awesome! Come to think of it, all of 80’s wrestling was awesome!

50. Mr. Tambourine Man – William Shatner

This song is almost too good for words…Shatner, “artfully" talking over a weird tripped out Karaokish version of this song…and my doe she ever take it seriously. You absolutely have to hear it to believe it..MR TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!

Well there you have it; 50 songs guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, reminisce and not take life too seriously. Hopefully my explanations have encouraged you to download many of these and create your own memories and maybe some of them even encouraged you to play music. Not through traditional means, like inspiration, but by simply being so awful that you feel anyone can do better. Don’t beat me up K-OS, Ice Cube, Tommy Ramone, Randy Newman or Police or Nevin, you are all one of the ones with talent!

Maybe next week I'll tackle the best songs ever in my opinion. These are all songs that leave me saying, wow, somebody actually wrote this song!!!