Hello sports fans, as promised, here are the athletes I despise the most. I am sure you will notice that many of them have torched my teams over the years, or completely sucked while playing for me team, only to light it up as soon as they leave. Light it up may be a stretch, but they have gone from absolute liability to functional cog in the machine. There are few however who I just inexplicably hate. I know it is not right, but it is what it is. Love it, hate, its up to you, but I am hoping that you will enjoy it. I am going to try and rank them, but really it is hard to differentiate the level of disdain I feel for these athletes, except for my clear cut number 1 and my hatred of him seems to defy all logical rules that govern the hatred of athletes. Maybe it is some sociopathic thing I have but I often compare him to how much I hate traffic, potholes, bad drivers, bad service etc. When I am explaining how much I hate something to my partner, often in an expletive laced tirade, I will always end it with, but I don’t hate that as much as I hate _________. I am not convinced it is healthy but that’s just me. Well, hold onto your hats because here we go…
25. Shaun Bates (New York Islanders)- that little punk scored the goal on the penalty shot that was wrongly awarded to him, and he was an Islander. I really grew to despise the Islanders that year…so much so that I never fully accepted Mike Peca when he showed up in a Leaf uniform. They were the inspiration for me flicking the TV as a means of distracting the opponent. Clever, I know. You can thank me later.
24. Dany Heatley (San Jose Sharks) – He was a Senator, but actually sucked really badly when he played the Leafs or in any big game for that matter. He showed up at times during the Olympics this year, but whatever the case, people who kill other people should end up in jail, not starring in the NHL. However, since he historically vanishes when the pressure is on he does not deserve anymore of my anger than a number 23 seed. It’s there, but he is not important enough to get really angry with. His dismal playoff performance tells me that he already hates himself more than I could ever hate him.
23. Luke Scott (Baltimore Orioles)- This fringe player absolutely crushes the Detroit Tigers. It seems that every single time this weasel is up he crushes a home run about 900 feet. If he did not play for Baltimore he would absolutely be higher on this list, but since his team is totally irrelevant, he is not going to have the privilege of being ranked higher.
22. Billy Beane (GM, Oakland A’s) – I despise how Moneyball depicts him as a genius. He “introduced” OPB as an important stat, is that really genius? He was fortunate to be working in a sport where a bunch of crotchety old boys were simply ignoring it to keep themselves on top. However, his biggest sin is helping create the monster known as JP Ricciardi. I am not a devout Blue Jays fan, but since I live here I hold that clown personally responsible for…wait, I will get into this later, as he clearly will make this list.
21. Martin Gelinas (Carolina Hurricanes) This little weasel scored the overtime winner in game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. That was the Leafs year and they blew it. I mean, Carolina? Tell me you would not have been ecstatic if your team made the conference finals and were playing Carolina. However, it quickly became apparent that Arturs Irbe and the rest of that crew were going to take down the beaten up Leafs. When Kaberle scored to force overtime in Game 6, optimism was in the air, but we were quickly crushed by Gelinas’ goal in OT. I can’t truly blame him exclusively; I hate Spacek, Wallin, Brind’Amour, Cole….Ok I have to stop. I am getting angry just reliving this horrible moment….I honestly listened to the radio call about 400 times that summer, just to build my hatred of the Carolina franchise. It took a while to warm up to Paul Maurice as Leafs coach after the lockout…
20. Chris Neal (Ottawa Senators), Tie Domi (Toronto Maple Leafs) – These guys are/were no talent stiffs. They run their big stupid mouths off as if they mean something to their team’s success or lack thereof. Honestly, why do reporters even stop by their lockers? Oh ya, because these two glory hound douche bags will say ANYTHING to get on TV. To listen to them talk about what their teams need to do, or pretend that they are contributors makes my stomach turn. Hey guys, you are meatheads who get paid (way more than I will ever make) to punch out equally as inconsequential stiffs. Lets not forget your place in the pecking order. Notice I ranked them as one entry, because they are basically interchangeable…good fighters, terrible players, and egotistical loudmouths. I am actually going to rank Domi at 18, Neal at 18.5 since Domi was a Leaf and therefore I am more embarrassed for him. Thanks for making our team look worse than it was dink.
19. Michael Peca (Buffalo Sabres, New York Islanders, Toronto Maple Leafs) – You were a jerk in the 1999 Eastern Conference finals, I was ecstatic when Darcy Tucker took you out in the 2002 playoffs and you SUCKED when you played for the Leafs. You were a one man wrecking crew while you played against the Leafs and you were a shell of your former self when you played for the Leafs. I really hate to say I was glad when you broke your leg, ending your dismal Leaf career, but if the cast fits…actually, I don't hate to say it at all.
18. Dominik Hasek (Buffalo Sabres, Czech Olympic Team)– Nagano, 1998, Playoffs 1999, NHL, for a long time. Do you know what its like to watch a hockey at like 3AM in the morning only to have some floppy bozo steal a win from you? Actually he did not steal it from us…that will be covered in number 15…however, I grew to despise him during the 1999 playoffs (even though he was a weak ass baby and didn’t play in game 1&2 vs the Leafs)..ok, I must interject that I am ONLY getting the Mavs Spurs game in Spanish so I am watching Rocky V instead...God help me! It is getting me angrier, fueling my passion for writing this blog. Anyways, back to Hasek; watching him jump around like a total jackass in 1998 made me want to punch him. Hearing Canadian hockey fans talk about how they loved Hasek made me feel defeated. I recall an incident at work where one of my co-workers was telling me about how her son LOVED Hasek, shortly after he eliminated the Leafs. Honestly. I really had to suppress the urge to tell her that I was going to punch her kid. I hate Dominik Hasek…maybe he should be ranked higher on this list, but whatever, there is a lot of hate to go around…
17. Marc Crawford (coach Canadian Olympic Team 1998, Colorado Avalanche, Vancouver Canucks) – Ray Bourque in the shootout in the quarterfinals? With Wayne Gretzky on your team? Really? This stupid egomaniac ruined any chance Canada had at winning a gold medal at the first ever Olympics featuring NHL players. Did he have ANY idea how important this was to Canadian hockey fans? Clearly it was ore important to establish himself as a shrewd thinker, coming up with unusual concepts…whatever, you are a selfish dick and you make this list because of it. I am not even going into the whole Bertuzzi/make him pay the price issue. You are a disgrace to Canadian hockey Crawford. I am done with you
16. Larry Murphy (Minnesota North Stars, Washington Capitals, Toronto Maple Leafs, Detroit Red Wings) – you absolutely SUCKED while you played for the Leafs, than became an integral part of the Wings winning the Cup. Thanks a lot dick.
15. Daniel Alfredsson (Ottawa Senators) – If this bozo did not fold up like a cheap tent each and every year n the playoffs he would definitely rank much higher on this list. His lame mocking of Mats Sundin (the stick into the crowd gesture), the running of Darcy Tucker in the 2002 playoffs, the smug attitude and cheesy smile before each and every playoff series between the Leafs and Sens. It makes my skin crawl. Fortunately, he has NEVER been able to lead his team to a win over the Leafs. No matter how much better Ottawa was in the regular season, he played like he was already planning his summer vacation. That’s your captain Ottawa…and you wonder why you never do anything when it counts? Your captain is totally representative of your city. Did I mention I hate the city of Ottawa? He is a perfect choice for number 15.
14. Vernon Wells/Alexis Rios (Toronto Blue Jays and Chicago White Sox) – The more I get into this, the more I realize I may actually like the Jays, or at least care what happens to them. Maybe it is because it happens right under my nose? These two jackasses have stolen over $200 million from the Toronto Blue Jays, completely hamstrung them financially and created an atmosphere where it is ok to claim they cannot compete with the financial giants. They also cannot compete with the financial cripples like Tampa Bay, Minnesota, or Oakland. They have helped create a culture of losing that will inevitably lead to the tem leaving. Wells has the audacity to write snarky notes to heckling fans, claiming to not harass them at their gas station jobs…at least the gas jockeys you ridicule earn their money you bloody thief. Try earning your check and not being voted the worst everyday player in the American League. You claim to be the new team leader, then lead, be the man. You are a friggin’ disgrace. Rios, is not even worthy of an explanation. I think the fact he was given away speaks volumes to the heist he pulled on the city of Toronto. I hate these clowns!
13. Taka Michinoku (former WWE light heavyweight champion) – This guy was terrible. I was actually thinking of becoming a wrestler just to take this clown out. I wanted to go to a live WWE event and attack him. I figured that they would have to make me a superstar simply to explain how their light heavyweight champion got taken out. He was the inspiration for the Pipe Wielding Madman, and was an eye sore on wrestling during it’s mid-90’s renaissance. He is easily my most hated wrestler of all time, except for…
12. Syxx/X-Pac (former WCW/WWE wrestler, current TNA embarrassment) – the term coat tails must have been created to describe this guys place in the “pecking order”. It amazed me how such an irritating little twerp was ever given Main Event status in any wrestling promotion. He reminds me of Salacious Crumb from Return of the Jedi; that annoying, cackling thing in Jabba’s castle that picks out C3P0’s eyes. Watching him wag his tongue and grab his crotch makes me physically ill. Most of this was done hiding behind Kevin Nash and Scott Hall before they became dinosaurs. He managed to take two incredibly awesome wrestling factions (nWo and D-Generation X) down several notches, all by himself. He must have some serious dirt on Hogan, Nash, HHH et al because there is no way he is in their class. Hell, he is not even in MY class. Seeing how far he had “fallen” on the surreal life was almost as brutal as his wrestling career. You would have been the Pipe Wielding Madman’s first victim for sure! Taka could have waited a week…
11 Tracey McGrady (Raptors/Magic/Rockets/Knicks) – You opted out of playing in Toronto because you did not want to play second fiddle to Vince Carter? Can you say selfish???? Nice way to thank a team who drafted you and nurtured you when you were a total stiff. Of course, you have proven that you are nothing more than a regular season player as you continue to choke over and over in the first round of the playoffs. Your teams tend to go on prolonged winning streaks when you are hurt, and now you play for the Knicks…how do you like them apples? Probably way more than I like you, since I actually hate you…
10. Vince Carter (Raptors/Nets/Magic) – He grew so disillusioned with Raptor fans that he came out publicly to say he would not dunk anymore. He went to collect his diploma before Game 7 of a 2nd round series with Philly (which was the BIGGEST moment in team history). Answer me this Vince, if your diploma was so important, why didn’t you stay in school the first time? I know, because you wanted all the cash that goes with being a first round draft pick but were never willing to make the necessary commitment to being a professional. You abandoned your team and laid an egg in Game 7. You basically quit on an entire city. You wined and made yourself such a pariah the Raps terrible GM was forced to trade you for nothing. You set the Raptor franchise back even further than your idiot cousin did. Thanks a lot you jerk. You suck and I know that you will fold up when the chips are down this year. That’s what losers do…HOWEVER you are not a total playoff bust like your aforementioned cousin, so you rank higher on this list. You also have more talent than almost everyone who has ever played but you are an unprofessional dink. Just think how good you could have been if you decided to try consistently…what a joke you are.
9. Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners)- What makes you so special? You have your first name on the back of your jersey as if you are some one named celebrity, like Oprah? They always say how if you wanted to hit 30 home runs you could, which I do not believe…you are a scrubby little singles hitter who comes to the plate with that smug look and drops little bloopers over the infield…wow, so talented. How about driving the ball a little or I don’t know, having your last name on your jersey like everyone else in pro sports. I always put this clown on my do not draft list because I don’t want him on my team…I can’t even be bothered to try and impose the Darby curse on him…
8. The idiots who announce Minnesota Twins or Chicago White Sox games –The only one of these clowns whose name I know is Bert Blyleven. I used to really like that guy but talk about a homer! This is reason enough for him not to be inducted in the Hall of Fame; he is a terribly biased announcer and I nearly punch my TV every time I hear him and his fellow crony commentate games (kinda like now). The White Sox announcers actually cheer openly and talk as if they are on the team, which is, to quote Johnny from Slapshot, fuckin’ embarrassing!!!! I don’t mind showing some enthusiasm but to be openly cheering for the home team is pathetic and unprofessional. It is distracting as usually my disdain for these 4 morons take away from my enjoyment of the game. Save the cheerleading for fans like me, just commentate and tell me neat stats about the players. Have you never listened to Vin Scully??? Go to iTunes, download some classic games, sit back, listen and learn. Until then, shut up!
7. Denard Span (Minnesota Twins) – This bonehead absolutely kills the Tigers, to the point where I was kinda glad when he hit his Mom with a foul ball this spring. I have also been known to curse players by selecting them for my fantasy teams, so what did I do?? You guessed it, I drafted him for all 3 of my fantasy baseball teams this year. I was willing to sacrifice the production to keep him down for a season, or more if I decide to keep him. Of course, all this being said he will probably light the Tigers up tonight, but at least I am doing my part towards making him suck. He could honestly be the nicest guy on the planet and I will still hate him. Maybe Verlander will bean him tonight. Is that going too far? Good! (Author’s note: he was ejected from the game I was watching and dropped the ball in the following nights game to cost the Twins the game. The Darby fantasy curse is alive and well!)
6. Brett Favre (Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Viking, New York Jets) – Retire, seriously!!! You have completely tainted your legacy. You don’t listen to your coach and you delusionally think you are 22 years old…Hey, do me a favour and retire!! Did I say that already? Stop being the gunslinger and costing good teams a shot at the Super Bowl. And seriously, do we need to see pictures of your swollen ankle to show how much of a warrior you are? No, because everybody pays hurt, they just don’t have their agents post disgusting ass photos on the Internet to try and distract us from the fact that you gagged and blew the game for your team. They even changed the friggin’ overtime rules for you. Stop with the annual Favre watch, stop calling press conferences and then acting all surprised that reporters show up. Seriously Brett, GET OUT! Of course, I turn on PTI and there is a segment about Favre’s ankle…here we go again with the Favre drama…He needs surgery, hopefully he opts out of having it and FINALLY quits…
5. Michael Vick (Dog Killer) – Do I even need to explain this??? Seems pretty obvious to me...piece of human garbage… I hope he sees this and emails me, I would love the opportunity to tell him how disgusting he is personally
4. Tiger Woods – Maybe it makes me seem vindictive but I relished in watching this idiot twist in the wind as his life spiraled out of control. I thought he was a pompous arrogant jerk before all his womanizing and philandering, and I think he is even worse now. Watching his carry on and sear and awkwardly miss high fives with his lunatic camera-smashing caddy…completely disrespectful and sad. Most athletes do that sort of philandering thing, but because he was so stupid with how he did it and his self-serving “comeback” conferences. He was not even smart enough to take care of the girls he was screwing…I mean seriously you could have set them up with apartments, or a bit of cash so that they did not jump at the chance to see their stories for a hot dog, drink and a donut. I mean really, you are dating broke ass waitresses who work at family restaurants and waffle houses. Pretty brutal Eldrick. I liken you to that freaky weird kid in high school who never had a girl pay any attention to him and then he gets rich and famous and all the money grubbers come out of the woodwork and he is an instant ladies man…gets his first taste and he can’t stop…Ok, all that aside, what I found to be the most insufferable were his ridiculous statements and the timing of each of them. The first one, on the day of the season opening PGA event in a desperate and successful attempt to steal the thunder from the sport that has made him his billions. The second one on the opening weekend of March Madness to steal attention away from the NCAA tourney…weak pal!!! The final one took place on the day of the NCAA championship game and the opening day of the MLB season. I honestly wanted to grab him by the neck and shake him. The world does not revolve around you pal. You are a golfer. You play the sport real athletes play when they have time off. You juiced up freak. I know you use PEDs as well. As I write I see that he may miss the cut at this weeks tournament. Ha ha…hopefully you are starting to fade and I wont have to see you all over EVERYTHING for much longer.
3. Roger Clemens – I loved the Rocket when I was growing up. Sadly I misremember all the awesome things he did throughout his career and can’t help see the blithering, guilty, lying fool ducking and dodging while congress asked you about your HGH and steroid use. Had you just come clean and admitted it maybe I could forgive you, but to so adamantly deny it and have EVERY person around you come clean was very disappointing. I had put faith in you as a kid and followed your every move. To have one of your heroes turn out to be a cheating liar who is not even man enough to accept responsibility for his mistakes is truly disappointing. Had I written this two years ago you would not have even been an option to have witnessed your fast, unceremonious fall has broken my heart. I defended you, stuck up for you and tried to believe you, but you don’t even seem to believe your self. You don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt anymore, and you “rocketed” to the top of this list
2. Fernando Rodney – (Detroit Tigers, Anaheim Angels) Boston had the Oil Can, Detroit had the Gas Can (as I liked to call him). I lost hair, went gray and honestly feel as though I have shaved years off of my life for having to have watched him come into close games and pour gas all over the fire. His vacant stare, emotionless demeanor and shaky performance nearly killed me the same way it helped kill the Tigers playoff hopes last year. I swear to God, I am sure that when it came time to implode the Metrodome they had to drag him off the mound where he stood looking like a deer in the headlights since he gave up the winning hit to that dork Alexei Cassilla in game 163 last year. It is one thing to watch your team blow a sizable division lead, it is another to feel dread and anxiety each time a player comes in to “Close things out”. I sued to joke that he came in to close for the other team because of his ability to blow even the most comfortable lead .It changes how your team performs; they tighten up as much as he does. Sure it was not entirely his fault they gagged (right Rayburn, Don Kelly and Miguel Cabrera?), but he certainly cost us more than I would like to have seen. I was ecstatic when Anaheim signed him, but of course he has been lights out this year…this efficiency secured his spot in my countdown. Thanks for bringing that A game in Detroit Rodney!
1. Alexander Karpotsev – (Toronto Maple Leafs, Chicago Blackhawks) Honestly, I cannot even pinpoint why I hate him so much, but that hatred has transcended all logic, rhyme or reason. He has become my measuring stick for hatred and despite how critical I can be, I have yet to come across anything that I hate as much as him. Not as a person as I don’t actually know him, but the idea of him on the Leafs blue line was horrifying. It is borderline sociopathic, but anytime I want to get angry I think of him and it completely puts me off. I have articulated reasons for hating all the other clowns on this list, whereas with Karpotsev it has reached legendary status for no decent reason, or at least not one that I can adequately articulate. That is how you know somebody is number 1 on your most hated list!
Now if you will excuse me I am off to watch the Fernando Rodney less Tigers hopefully beat up on his new team the Anaheim Angels….come on Gas Can…lets make like old times!!!
