Lost

I have never felt more alone in my entire life. As the reality of my situation weighs down on me I withdraw and it breaks my heart…not one of the people I have been there for, who’s problems I listened to, who sought advice from me, who asked for help, are anywhere to be seen. My phone sits silent, my attempts to be positive go ignored, my best intentions get questioned. The people who I worked hard to bring together, no longer need or want me in their lives and their true colours have unfortunately come crashing through. Were they ever my friends? Maybe, but most likely it was all superficial. All the time and energy I invested in them was just a colossal waste and I find myself falling apart with nobody interested in helping me. I shouldn’t have to reach our or cry for help; friends should know. Friends should make effort…friends should be there.

Perhaps this is a little to wide sweeping, but it feels like this. The people who are there for me are the ones I least expected to be which I guess is the essence of friendship. These people are not worried about the inconvenience or the “bother”. They are not wrapped up in their own narcissistic world. They are true friends. Sadly, the ones I bent over backwards for have just come to expect that I will always bend over backwards for them while they spend zero to know energy making sure their friend is ok, which I am not. I am the farthest thing from OK. I feel like there is really nothing left for me other than going through the motions of day to day life until time runs out. I don’t want momentary lip service when I finally boil over. I miss my friends. Even saying that seems funny as friends don’t run at the slightest sign of trouble or because if distance, especially in the current digital world. My old friend in Kansas City who I haven’t spoken to in almost a decade reaches out, yet those close to me who have spent the last decade by my side are gone. Family? Mostly gone following the death of my father in 1999. The ones who are still in my life are always too busy with their own important things, and let’s be frank, they all have each other, so another person is just too much. Those who were always willing to help others in my family are no longer willing to offer the same support when it is our time. Their good will has been worn out by the abuse/overuse of those who asked before me. Case in point, I was just asked if I was ok with a plan for tomorrow and my response was “No, but I will make it work”…the response from someone who claims to care…”K”. No question about what is up, no interest at all. That is not a friend. Friends are there for each other no matter what, not when it suits their narrative or is convenient. This has been a very hard lesson to learn and is only compounded that I have subordinated more important things to helping friends so now that my friends are running for the hills, I truly have nothing left.

My life at home is no less challenging and upsetting each day…I am constantly taking the brunt of everyone’s frustrations and not allowed to feel anything myself. I am a punching bag, a whipping post a place for people to unload. I am literally on the brink of a full mental breakdown and nobody cares to even notice. “He always just makes it work”…well that is getting increasingly difficult lately. I am not trying to make this about me as has often been suggested. It’s funny, while everyone else is always encouraged to take care of themselves first as that is the only way you can take care of others. When I try to employ that line of thinking I am simply selfish and egotistical. I am constantly reminded of every hurtful thing I have ever said (and yes I have had my moments that is for sure), however if the situation was reversed then I am not allowed to feel that way, it is deserved. I get shouted down and told how I should be taking a particular comment rather than being allowed to feel for myself. I was told last night that I don’t like my children and don’t want them and that I was ecstatic about the possibility of having to not proceed. In no world can I see how that comment is fair, appropriate, acceptable or most importantly true. I do not care how angry this person was; who would say something like that to a human being they claim to love? What’s worse, how is this person then able to dismiss it as a product of a culture I created? Just once I would love to see someone actually accept responsibility for the damage their hurtful actions have on others rather than to be told it is deserving or I am over reacting. l I am not overreacting; I am reacting in the manner your destructive words caused me to react. You telling me it should not bother me is not only insulting but extremely self absorbed. Own your vengeance rather than try to excuse it by pointing fingers. Looking to pin it on anyone. It is you. You said it. You meant it. You cannot take it back. You cannot even bring yourself to apologize or acknowledge what you did and said. There is always a mitigating factor that excuses your behaviour in your mind. I hope you feel like more of an adult by making the person you claim to love feel lower than they have ever felt in their life, thus me needing to write this all out. You (not just one person, but many) play the victim; the sympathetic person who everyone needs to fawn over, as you glare my way and say “He made me feel this way”. That same opportunity has never been available to me. I get what I deserve, I reap what I sew. I need to toughen up. I am dying inside and nobody cares, or wants to notice. I guess I have lived such a horrible life that at the ripe old age of 41 I have been deemed unimportant to the self important. As I write this I can see the faces of those who have contributed to this and I want nothing to do with it. Not one thing. I do not want to see them, talk to them, help them. Nothing. Done.

I spend my days trying to come up with solutions to others problems. No more. I am washing my hands of responsibility for anything beyond what I can directly impact; the lives of my two beautiful children. If you want help, help yourself, as this guy is too tired to care about it anymore…I have always been alright and this time, I am NOT alright. Not even close, but at least I know who has my back…ME.