The Fun 50

So in the last week there have been some fairly dismal sports performances by my teams: The Leafs, while being “competitive” are badly outclassed every single night. Their opponents literally take nights off and this is how we have been able to fandangle a few victories. It’s embarrassing. The Celtics officially suck. The y lost to bloody New Jersey…are you kidding me???? My fantasy baseball team? Terrible. My whole draft plan got squashed, each time by the guy picking right in front of me…so what am I going to write about? How about a musical [phenomenon I call the fun 50. Fifty songs guaranteed to cheer me up and the reasons why. Please do not confuse this with my favourite 50 songs. I’ll get to that later, but for right now, it is too time consuming. For now, since I am drinking beer, Ill talk about songs that make me smile…they are MOSTLY devoid of merit in every other way. So sit back, and enjoy. Also, feel free to download any of them from Limewire or wherever so you can share in my enjoyment. and yes, I am listening to them as I write this…here we go..

1. A Criminal Mind – Gowan

Not Lawrence…this was when he was still Gowan. Apparently an old coworker of mine lives next to Gowan (lies) and saw his garage door destroy his hands, to which Gowan dropped to his knees and started screaming, “My Livelihood, my livelihood!!!” This will be incorporated into The Shop so watch for it when Tannis and I finish it.

2. Hi, How Are You? – Amplified Niki

I could have sworn this was my Brother in Law Ian, but apparently Amplified Niki is a real person. Hi, How are you? You need to hear this to believe how hilariously awesome it is.

3. No Easy Way Out – Robert Tepper

This song was on the soundtrack for Rocky IV, and I swore it would be my entrance music when I became a pro wrestler

4. Sunday Morning – K-OS

This song reminds me of V Fest 2007; K-Os riding around backstage on his bike while Scott and I sang this song at him. Lyla is doing her squat dance so obviously she approves.

5. Message in a Bottle – The Police

Tannis and I got to the show 5 minutes late and when we walked in, they were playing this song. We literally were hugging and jumping up and down, screaming, IT’S THE POLICE, OH MY GOD

6. Every Rose Has its Thorn – Poison

Kitchen on Euclid, 4 AM, Campfire Alex, busting out the acoustic, me singing the guitar solos, and a room full of folks handling lead vocals and tonnes of air drums…GREAT TIMES

7. So Long – Debaser

So Long, So Long, So Long…enough said…if you don’t get it, oh well J

8. Flags – Mercurymen

Tannis, Brendan Canning and I were the only 3 people in the bar, and the staff were telling the band to turn down, while we yelled at them to turn up. To this day this is one of the greatest bands that nobody knew of. I still LOVE this band

9. He’ll Have to Go – Joe Pesci

Yes, Joe Pesci has a record. In this ballad he rhymes man with….man. Brilliant! He makes my list just for this.

10. Woman – John Lennon

Barry O (250 lbs), a Matt Nokes jersey (Kids XL), the kitchen at Darby’s Pub…I’m getting misty just thinking about it.

11. Fuck You – Duff McKagan

I want the keys to my car, the keys to my house and give me homeboy’s keys, cuz I know you have them too! Duff at his drunken best

12. Crazy in Love – Beyonce

“Got me hopin’ you page me right now”...didn’t Jay-z realize this was in like 2001? Doesn’t Beyonce have a cell phone? This and the fact she has terrible rhythm makes this song so awesome. Just be hot and you can be a star.

13. Photograph – Def Leppard

Polonski’s apartment on Christmas Eve. This guy LOVED Def Leppard and would use anything as a mic. Dancing, singing and sweating. I miss that dude!

14. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) – Journey

Oh My., this video was terrible, yet awesome…mullets, air keyboards, a loading dock and a drummer who looked like they dragged him from a sewer. This was the time before you had to be good looking to be in a band. Its amazing how scary the girl in the video is…youtube this one for sure!

15. Naked Women and Beer – Hank Williams Jr.

Imagine your friends 85 year old Uncle coming home from the legion and commandeering your campfire and insisting on playing his own music, hen having him unleash this gem…this actually happened. Of course we had to hear this song about 375 times, but man Uncle Gord was just as enthusiastic with each play. This is an example of how nothing good happens at 3 AM…only GREAT things do!

16. You’re The Best Around – Joe Esposito

Daniel Larusso vs. The Cobra Kai… Mercy is for the weak. We do not train to be merciful, a man faces you he is the enemy and the enemy deserves no mercy. They should have brought this back for Karate Kid III…

17. Rock Soldiers – Ace Frehley

This song is terrible, yet awesome. Ace kinda sings, kinda raps, but unleashes the line. “If the devil wants to play his card game now…He’s going to have to play without an Ace in his deck” Bam! Take that devil , and take that world!

18. Ready to Die – Andrew W.K.

I describe this as homo erotic agro show tunes…never before has someone sounded so happy about killing someone…this guy should write music for Trey Parker and Matt Stone

19. Humpin’ Around – Bobby Brown

No matter what is going on you will never be as fucked up as Bobby Brown and this is why this song makes the list. He always makes you feel awesome about yourself. We love you Mr. Houston, no matter how sweaty and cracked out you are!!!!

20. You Spin Me Right Round – Dead or Alive

Grandma Molly I’m talking to you!!!! Nice save Wedding singer! This was the first movie Carly and I watched together. Never had 1 lesson, no thanks Pop!

21. The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground

Speaking of Carly, she hates this song, but I love it, and so does Tannis. This song is amazing, and I can listen to it all day….a doo reeer do reeet. Do you look like MC Hammer on crack? Whatever, this song is like crack, f MC Hammer.

22. Soldier of Love – Donny Osmond

Another Barry O favourite…I don’t actually like this song, but it makes me laugh, because if you knew Barry O, you would agree how bizarre it is that he likes Donny Osmond. He did however buy Hands Up on my iTunes account…

23. I’m Still Standing – Elton John

This song has become the theme song for gambling (football) season…each week we survive in the pool, we play this song and dance. It is optimistic as we still have a chance at becoming thousandaires. Not that we have gambling problems or anything, but, we kinda do…BTW, I hate Denver and everything about it.

24. Got You (Where I Want You) – The Flys

Someone actually told me this was the best song ever. It makes the list simply for this reason. I actually know the dumbest person in the world. Good for me!

25. Love me Sexy – Jackie Moon

A fictional character writes a hit song and buys a basketball team…it's my dream in one song! When I Say Love me, you say Sexy…LOVE ME! Your turn…

Take off your shoes and suck me sexy…

26. Hearts on Fire – John Cafferty

Another from the Rocky IV soundtrack…this song gets you all jacked up. My friend Sting and I thought that if we run and do shit in the snow it would make us tough like Rocky, so every recess in Grade 5 after seeing this, we did Rocky training in the snow in the schoolyard. I am going to put a picture of every softball team we are playing on my bathroom mirror and right before I leave for the game I am going to crumple it up and throw it away like Rocky did, while listening to this song….DRAGO!!!!!

27. Human – The Killers

If this song was actually released it shows anyone can release any piece of crap…so go be a musician. You can do way better than this junk. It is a song of hope.

28. Jump – Kris Kross

The Mack Dad will make you Jump Jump! The Daddy Mack will make you Jump Jump! Backwards clothes, pre-teens trying to be badass…It’s Wigittywiggitywiggity whack!

29. All Night Long – Lionel Ritchie

How can this song not make you smile? If it doesn’t open up the vinyl copy of this to the two-panel picture of Lionel sliding down a pole of some sort…a perfect combination! It’s time to Party, Carnival, Fiesta, Forever. Or at least All Night Long!

30. Drop The Needle – Maestro Fresh Wes

This brings back memories of hanging out at Brucey’s house, British Knights and crazy shirts. Carly and I also tried to go to see him, sans the Fresh Wes part on the first night we hung out. I wasn’t wearing a black tuxedo with a Cumber band, damn, but my sacroiliac hurts often

31. Straight Outta’ Compton – NWA

Not only is this one of the two best Rap songs EVER, it is a favourite of Tannis, Ryan and I when we get drunk and start rappin‘ in my living room. NWA is awesome, and they have stood the test of time, and when they ask, “what about the bitch that got shot?” The appropriate answer is “fuck her, you think I give a fuck about a bitch? I ain’t a sucka’!” Damn that shit was dope!

32 Summertime – New Kids on the Block

This song made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Nothing makes me laugh more than mid-30’s former teen idols trying to get back some of the old glory. Donnie managed to get out of jail, Joey got a leave from Boston Public, Jordan stopped making reality shows, Jon got time off from his real estate gig, and who knows where Danny was, but he had to eat yo! Reunions are terrible, but this one was above and beyond…they still made more money than I’ll ever see so maybe they are laughing at me writing this…

33. Hope – Our Lady Peace

Jessel’s house, and a lot of weed…we almost died laughing screaming these lyrics at the top of our lungs…not sure what made it funny, but my guess would be the weed. At any rate, I still snicker and smile whenever I hear it. MY GOD SHE SAID!!!!!!

34. Ghetto Superstar – Pras

I find it hilarious that they made a rap song out of Islands in the Stream by Kenny and Dolly, and even bought the tape to play it side by side and laugh….I have a bad habit of buying music simply to laugh along with it, but whatever, we all have issues

35. The Show Must Go On – Queen

Now I know this is going to make me seem very insensitive, but it must be taken ONLY in this specific context. When Prisley comes over, once every two years and begins to drink like it was a Malvern Dance, he commandeers the stereo and plays a very limited and predictable selection of songs that include, lots of Clapton, Believe by Lenny Kravitz (on repeat), and this song. However, while this song plays, he screams to anyone who will listen “Freddie Mercury is a genius…HE HAD AIDS”, as if none of us are aware of what happened to Fred. So while it is a very sad story, it becomes humourous as now anytime this song comes on, Tannis or I will say to the other “He had AIDS!” in our best Prisley voices. Then we put on The End by the Doors 16 times as Prisley would…did I mention Prisley is a priest?

36. Drive – REM

At the 1994 MTV video awards, Michael Stipe did a spirited rendition of this song where he danced around in a very bizarre manner. Now, everyone watching with us began making fun of Stipe, after watching and praising Eddie Vedder as muttered and looked essentially ridiculous throughout his set. So cool and interesting! Now this annoyed me because how could Eddie Vedder be cool and Stipe be made fun of for doing the same thing? I lost it and launched into a verbal tirade directed at everyone present for being such hypocrites. I ended the rant with, “Come on Tannis, lets get the fuck outta here!” and promptly left. I don’t even like REM. It was at this moment I realized how much I can’t stand pretentious dinks…

37. Bonzo Goes To Bitburg – The Ramones

When I formed a Ramones cover band I did not really know the Ramones at all. I used my position in the Evil Doers to set up a live interview on EDGE 102.1 during Live in Toronto to promote our show; the only problem was I didn’t know any songs besides the songs we were playing. I managed to fake my way through the interview, but nearly blew it when asked about this song…I have since come to know and love it, although in reality I already knew it. It is amazing how many Ramones songs exist in our daily lives and most people don’t even know it’s them! Stay in Rock n’ Roll High School kids!

38. Perfect Friend – Randy Macho Man Savage

Do I even need to explain this?…Randy Savage made a rap album. I do want to give special mention to the soul singer in the background doing his best Boyz to Men impression under Macho's stellar rapping…You’re my Perfect friend, right there until the end…Mr. Perfect don’t you know that you’ll be truly missed!

39. Burn On – Randy Newman

This makes me think of the opening sequence of Major League, which illustrates my favourite time of year…Baseball season. That was the second best baseball movie ever, behind *61, and put the Cleveland Indians back in the public conscious. Up your butt Joboo!

40. I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred

Any song that gave us a decent description of a state of baldness is GREAT in my books…Right Said Fred Bald…you know exactly what that means! The song however is easily the worst on this list…well maybe except for Human because the Killers were good at one point.

41. In This Country – Robin Zander

Over the Top…great fucking movie! This is why you turn your hat around backwards before going to "work"…it also reminds me of the last few days of Grade 8…I think this song may have actually been played at my graduation, which of course I had a lot to do with. We played it on the ghetto blaster during recess while we played foot hockey. I actually went searching for this movie, and on the day I found it, Barry O called me after years of nothing. As soon as I mentioned this to him he replied with, “You’re nose hurt Hawkes?????”

42. Somebody’s Watching Me – Rockwell

This song is awesome, and will always make me smile. The cheesy keyboard, Michael Jackson singing the Chorus, and the scary ass mailman reaching up in the video with is arm all bleeding. What was the symbolism of that???

43. Seal – Crazy

Cuba…Barry O and the dancer who stole his soap on a rope and shower shoes, The bizarre witch doctor who offered Prisley women as a cure for his sickness, fish heads, Keith and his cigars, me throwing up in the pool, the old folks offering to pay for us to stay, our first time meeting legitimate lesbians (this was 93 after all), the weird bartender, the map of Israel, and of course The Cuban Fiancé. Classic! It’s not a burn mate, it’s a tan…aww Ringo!

44. I Know I Got Skillz – Shaq

Yes I have this song, and it is rivaling Human for being terrible, but it is Shaq, and everybody loves Shaq. This is on par with Kazaam as his worst idea ever

45. Informer – Snow

We used to see this guy surrounded by kids in the food court of Pickering Town Centre…like every time we were there. The song is so unintelligible I had to put it on the list

46. Who Loves Ya Baby – Telly Savalas

This was an original by Telly, and it was awesome…The album cover is him in a white leisure suit…on stage! He actually performed live! I am going to go out on a limb and say he was one of the first rappers…he couldn’t sing so he just talked the lyrics to such favourites as Rubber Bands and Bits of String, You’ve Lost that Loving Feelin’ and Something. This was his masterpiece.

47 Girl, You Know it’s True – Milli Vanilli

I sat back and thought about the way things used to be. It really means a lot to me, you mean a lot to me

Do I really mean that much to you?

Girl you know its true

Said in your best Milli Vanilli accent…

48. Everybody Have Fun Tonight – Wang Chung

Pure unintended comedic gold! He uses his own name in the song which sets it apart from other songs about partying. I mean, who else’s name is a synonym for a good time? Only Wang Chung my friends!

49. Demolition – Rick Derringer

The best original wrestling theme song ever. Bad ass, and menacing, just like they were before Axe got too old and Crush came on board. Real American (also by Derringer) was awesome too, but the video of Hogan playing guitar over crappy backdrops all over American totally ruined its cred…except when Mr. Wonderful stole it because he thought he was the Real American! That was awesome! Come to think of it, all of 80’s wrestling was awesome!

50. Mr. Tambourine Man – William Shatner

This song is almost too good for words…Shatner, “artfully" talking over a weird tripped out Karaokish version of this song…and my doe she ever take it seriously. You absolutely have to hear it to believe it..MR TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!

Well there you have it; 50 songs guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, reminisce and not take life too seriously. Hopefully my explanations have encouraged you to download many of these and create your own memories and maybe some of them even encouraged you to play music. Not through traditional means, like inspiration, but by simply being so awful that you feel anyone can do better. Don’t beat me up K-OS, Ice Cube, Tommy Ramone, Randy Newman or Police or Nevin, you are all one of the ones with talent!

Maybe next week I'll tackle the best songs ever in my opinion. These are all songs that leave me saying, wow, somebody actually wrote this song!!!

Oh Canada!

We did it! We absolutely did it! In all my years of watching and playing sports, this was certainly one of the 9 greatest moments in my sports (watching) life. Here they are in no particular order…

!985 Blue Jays Division Championship – the Drive of 85 If you will

1987 Canada Cup…Gretzky to Lemieux

1988 Summer Olympics…Ben Johnson…thanks buddy!

1992 Blue Jays World Championsip…still can’t believe that happened

1993 Maple Leafs March to the Cup, until Gretzky cheated and derailed the whole damn thing, particularly Game 7 vs. Detroit in Round 1

1993 Blue Jays World Championship..touch ‘em all Joe! Followed by a broken arm from the celebration

2002 Olympic Gold Medal. Canada 5, US 2

2002 Maple Leafs Playoff Drive (high fives and head rubs on Glenside)

2010 Olympic Gold Medal on Home Ice

Is that sad of me to admit that? Perhaps, but what else brings a massive group of people together than a win by their favourite team*, especially when it is your country. Sure the Blue Jays may have had a similar impact in Toronto, but I doubt very highly it was something the entire country celebrated as vigorously.

What made it even more incredible was that we beat our biggest current rival to win the Gold Medal. You could hear my entire block erupt as Sydney Crosby buried the overtime winner past a stunned Ryan Miller. I am still way to excited to even properly articulate what was going through my mind at that moment. I do know that the bottle of Spumante bambino was sprayed from Glenn’s balcony and will no longer sit in my kitchen as a horrifying reminder of the Tigers collapse last fall…

As soon as the puck went into the net, Ryan, Clement, Tannis, Carly, Glenn, Lyla and I were jumping up and down, doling out high fives and head rubs along with hugs in a jubilant dance in my living room. No sooner had we emptied the champagne in celebration of the win and our new house, we took to the streets…a scene I had not witnessed since 2002, people leaning out of cars waving flags, hugging strangers, all in an unabashed show of patriotism. My neighbourhood had turned into one giant victory party…everyone sharing their love of country and our team, and the most successful Olympics by a host nation ever! Sure, we were expected to win the gold in hockey, but that only made the realization of those expectations that much sweeter. Let’s hope we get to experience this again and again and again.

Gary Bettman, the man who is singlehandedly killing hockey, has already raised doubts as to whether we will be shutting down the league to allow players to participate in the 2014 games in Russia. From his perspective I can sort of see why as we have been spoiled by such a superior product over the last 12 days that going back to watching regular season NHL hockey is going to be very difficult. Not just because the product is worse, but because in the Olympics everyone has a chance right up until close to the end. For me as a Leaf fan, my season is already over so I am watching simply to watch hockey, with no stake in who wins or loses. With the Olympics every country was at least playing meaningful games up until Tuesday. I realize it is a short schedule with single elimination games once the preliminary round was done, but that is part of what makes it so great. Pro sports seasons do go on far too long in most instances and that makes it hard to feel the importance of every single game. This magical tournament takes pressure to a whole new level. It is what makes the NFL so successful…one loss and you are out. Each game has significant importance and once you move to the next step each game feels likea proverbial game 7…win or it’s all over until next year.

I know that from a financial standpoint leagues would never abandon the playoff series format, but from a fans perspective it certainly makes every nuance of every single game that much more important. From a health standpoint, my heart is probably very happy that this only comes around every 4 years. This is why we are hockey fans though and what makes us so proud to be Canadians!!!

See you in Russia, I hope!

Sports bars, Olympics, cigars and beer

I think I finally get it. What do I get? I get why I never want to go to a sports bar to watch an important game. Sorry, let me be more specific; I will never, ever go to a sports bar again to watch a game of national importance. Going to watch football with Tannis and Ryan is one thing. The place is half empty and all the football fans interact with each other. Going to watch an Olympic hockey game is a totally different animal.

Wednesday night, Tannis and I decided to go to the bar to watch the Canada/Russian quarterfinal game and wow was I in for surprise. Very few if any were wearing jerseys, strike 1, they cheered for everything (the drop of the puck, a mundane neutral zone turnover an easy save) strike 2, but what really brought it down a notch was the guy who had no interest in the game, bringing a girl on a first date and then repeatedly complaining that the Raptor game was not on, while his ditzy, skanky date kept tying to prop her boobs up for him to look at. It was pretty sickening actually. Her piercing voice was grating on me, along with the crowd lacking in any knowledge or appreciation for the game. I love patriotic behaviour, but this was bordering on stereotypical American behaviour….jumping on the bandwagon of anything and everything just to wrap yourself in the flag. The best example of that is when Americans were in love with Lance Armstrong for each successive Tour de France victory, yet they did not know the first thing about cycling. People were not interacting amongst groups, nobody shared high fives with each successive goal, or big hit. It was very impersonal which I found very bizarre.

I was actually embarrassed that the crowd knew as little as they did, but it also confirmed what I have always suspected; real hockey fans hang out with real hockey fans, bandwagon jumping flag wavers go to Philthy’s. What made it even worse, was that this influx of wagoneers made them cancel their regular half price wings promotion. Thanks a lot Mr. Soul Glow!!!

I’d love to be able to revel in the trashing of the Russians, but I much prefer doing it at my house or one of my friend’s places. A place where we can raise our glasses, share high fives, maybe even a few head rubs. The atmosphere there is far more natural than the contrived environment of a bar. Besides, I wont come out broke AND drunk…

Speaking of celebration, what is with the Americans making such a big deal about our GOLD MEDAL WINNING women’s hockey team sharing a few beers and stogies at centre ice after the arena had been cleared? This is one of my main issues with a 24 hour news cycle…you always need something to inflame the public with. They had just completed a perfect run through the Olympics, and countless months of grueling training, yet the media chooses to focus on the “negative”, trying to stir up controversy where none exists. This is truly disgusting behaviour. The IOC and all their fat cats, until recently would be bribed, had prostitutes delivered to them and who knows what else by cities vying for the Olympics. They stay in 5 star hotels, bask in the surplus of money, while the athletes who make the money for these leeches eat rice and macaroni. It is almost worse than NCAA football and basketball. Talk about hypocritical! This is why I find the Olympics to in many ways be a farce. It has lost its meaning and is now a means for the rich to get richer off of the blood , sweat and tears of athletes, who God forbid enjoy a beer with teammates to celebrate.

CNN of all things should not be so quick to judge; they show WAR live on television and have created a culture of fear to keep people reliant on the government. I wonder if the Canadian women had been firing off guns on the ice if that would have been acceptable? I love the contradiction of their culture (and I am not speaking of American citizens, just their government and media). Guns, violence and killing…GOOD. Celebratory Beer with teammates, and public healthcare…BAD. As Chris Rock said, you can go to war at 18, but can’t drink until you are 21. I think the being allowed to kill thing is a little worse than having a beer. Talk about backwoods.

By the way, I am having a beer right now, and really enjoying it

The harsh reality about Men’s and Women’s Canadian hockey…

So as we go into tonight’s elimination game against Germany, I am finally seeing that many Canadians accept the reality. We are NOT the most dominant hockey nation on earth in terms of an Olympic team. I have been saying this the entire time. Not to say I do not want them to climb back and win it all, I just did not think it was going to be as easy as everyone else seemed to.

We do not have the most talented players anymore, nor do we have the best goaltending. Since most Olympic squads are made up of NHL players we no longer exclusively have the grit and toughness Don Cherry claims sets us apart from other nations. I mean, did you see that hit that Ovechkin laid on Jagr the other day??? Our best are no better than the USA’s, Sweden’s, the Czech Republic’s, Russia’s, or Finland’s. The difference is that we could conceivably send 3 teams that would be equally as competitive as any of those countries. We have the depth which in and of itself poses a huge problem when selecting a team. Steve Yzerman has to weed through all the stats and the film and ultimately guys who are very deserving will get left off the roster. How do we know that in this situation those guys are not the difference between a gold medal and an embarrassing early bow-out.

We also have a nasty habit of not recognizing when it is over, or when it is time to pass the torch. Case in point, Martin Brodeur. He is arguably the best goalie we have seen in our lifetime, however he has looked disinterested, and lackadaisical so far in these Olympics. Sure, he helped us win the gold medal in 2002 (after aging Curtis Joseph blew up vs. Sweden), but this is 2010. Roberto Luongo should have been given the reigns from the beginning. He has not looked himself all season and this should have been acknowledged. With so much pressure on this team to win they needed the best available goaltender to carry the load, and Brodeur clearly was not that guy. It is easier to hide decaying skills in the NHL where every team is not four lines deep, but here at the Olympics you get no shifts off. The torch needed to be past and it wasn’t early enough. Lets just hope that it is not too late.

As for Women’s hockey, I am not sure why anyone is excited about watching blow out after blow out. Has Canada even allowed a goal so far? This does not bode well for the health of the game and I certainly hope that other nations can close the gap or else Women’s hockey will possibly be dropped from the Olympics. It is a foregone conclusion that Canada and the US will meet in the gold medal game (with one exception in 2006…which was the biggest fluke ever). I am not knocking the quality of play as the Canada/USA rivalry is very exciting, I am just saying the lead up I painfully dull and unexciting. I hope it corrects itself and the Women’s hockey Gold Medal will start to mean something.

Go Canada Go!

See you tomorrow Russia…

The Leafs offend my eyes, ears and steal my time...

Why do I bother? I mean seriously? I tune in and within minutes they are getting pumped 3-0. Friday night was a prime example...I went to pick up dinner at the local pub...4 minute walk...left before the opening face-off, and when I arrived it was 1-0. I sat down and was told that our order had not yet been placed. No problem, Ill order a beer. I turned around to see the game again, 2-0. You have got to be kidding me...

I turned to talk to the gentleman sitting next to me, which I have to be honest, I rarely do, and no sooner had we started chatting about fun things (football, baseball, basketball), 3-0...we both simultaneously took a large swig of our respective beers...this was getting ugly. The conversation then turned to how I had to put my Phil Kessel jersey away as maybe I was cursing his performance by supporting him, much like I do with TV shows I like and bands I openly praise. By the time my food arrived, it was 4-0. I said good-bye to Ross, and made way home (4 minutes)...5-1. My reaction was, "hey, at least they scored" Is this really a way to enjoy hockey? Just being thankful when my team actually scores, no matter how many they have given up? I actually am getting so upset right now that I need to switch gears and complain about football....

Did the Cardinals or the Ravens realize they were A) playing the number 1 seeds in their respective conference and B) that if they lose, they go home? I have to answer a resounding no to both as yet again, I sat through a torturously boring afternoon of football...neither game as close and in both cases the team I bet on didn't even bother to show up. Instead they sent a bunch of guys wearing their uniforms who clearly had no idea what they were doing. The Cardinals didn't upset me as much as they are traditionally a very hit or miss team. Like Bill Simmons said, it would be great to be able to watch the first series of a Cardinals game before deciding who to bet on. Sadly this is not the case.

The Ravens however made my blood boil in a way normally reserved for the Leafs. They took some ridiculous penalties, that cost them two interception returns, a fantastic kickoff return and a beautiful rush, all of which should have lead to scores. This was easily the difference between winning and losing. Again, it begs the question, Why do I even bother? There were so many other productive things could have been doing instead of wasting my evening watching those debacles.

One positive though to take from my experience last night: At least the Leafs did not play last night!

Finish your damn movies...seriously! and another thing...

OK, first off, why is it that in order for anyone to like anything these days there has to be some cerebral intellectual component involved? I honestly want to sit everyone down who saw the Wrestler and claimed it be to this earth shattering expose, "nothing like wrestling" in front of a television and make them watch RAW or Smackdown and give them a quick talking to. This IS wrestling. Not a dramatization, not a film masterpiece, the exact same thing any wrestling fan has seen for the past 30 years. Now with the WWE putting out "the story of" DVD's like a baby changes clothes, this is almost blasé for a wrestling fan.

What is most annoying is these film geeks who carry themselves with that Holier than thou, I am so cultured and love Films, not movies attitude, the joke is on you. You enjoyed the same thing you dismiss as "fake" and immature while you drank in this movie. Sure Mickey Rourke was amazing, I can admit that, but this was the Jake "The Snake" Roberts story guys. The story was not even original. So next time you look down your nose at wrestling and wrestling fans, we will all laugh because your criticism now applies to  you as well. YOU ARE WRESTLING FANS. Sorry nerds, thats just the truth. Hurts doesn't it? You are one of US...the unrefined, ignorant and immature. Enjoy your humble pie and try not to dip your skinny tie in it. Enjoy Wrestlemania!

Now, my bigger point - finish your movies. Complete the story. I am not interested in your stupid artistic interpretation. I want to see that you can create a complete story...with a beginning, middle and end. Is that too much to ask???? The last two movies I saw were The Wrestler and W and both had these stupid ambiguous endings. I understand that is what "artists" do, leaving it open to interpretation, but it is lazy...plain and simple. You are essentially asking the viewer to complete your work for you while you haul in millions of bucks for an incomplete piece of work. If you turned in a term paper with an ambiguous ending, you'd get a shitty mark. If I left projects at work with ambiguous endings, I'd be fired. It is the cinematic equivalent to a fade out...ULTRA LAZY! Yet for some reason, the "film" fans love it. 

When Tannis and I went to see The Police we were annoyed that Sting would leave lines for the crowd to sing...That's your job Sting, not mine. I payed my $120 and I expect you to sing the songs to me. Thats the deal. I should not have to do anything except sit back and enjoy my beer while I listen to you. It is insulting that you pawn off part of your job on the ones supporting you. I apply the same logic to movies. Do you job and write a full story. Further write an original full story. Sadly The Wrestler had neither of those two things. That being said, I enjoyed it. As Ed Lauter says in True Romance, "Great Fucking Movie!"

uh oh, there is me not being original, but at least there is no question as to where I stand. Unlike most filmmakers, I am not afraid to take a position and stay committed to it. Where did all of our collective back bone go??? I can tell you where; it left as soon as the idea of Political Correctness reared its ugly, creativity curbing head. It is hiding out with listening skills and the ability to actually exchange ideas. All we are left with is loud talking (which is the new form of reasoning), indoctrination and a fear of offending anyone. 

Red Sox owner wants a salary cap...I want him to SHUT UP

So as I perused yahoo this morning I came across an article in which Red Sox majority owner John Henry called for a salary cap to be put in place after the Yankees spent a truck load this off season.  He claims this upsets the competitive balance...

What's the matter John? Afraid of the Evil Empire? Forgetful of the fact that you had the second highest payroll last year? Upset that you got shut out on the big name free agents? I do not see the Twins whining, nor the Marlins. I am fairly sure the Blue Jays are crying because that is simply what they do. Cry, whine and blame others for their GM' s ineptitude. That is what losers do, right? It is never about them and always about how somebody else is keeping them down.

If the Yankees want to blow all their cash, let them. Who cares really? If you want to compete financially, then do it, if not, shut the fuck up and mind your own business. I realize that in these harsh times money is tight, but obviously not for the Yankees. The thing is, they are free to do whatever they want to do and they did. If I lived in New York I would be ecstatic at the changes they made and the players they brought in (Except that stiff Burnett). I live in Toronto where excuses and finger pointing is the name of the game. I am Tigers fan (3rd highest payroll, LAST PLACE) so I understand that spending money DOES not guarantee success, so if Henry is really that concerned, hiring astute scouts and a strong front office would be his best option. 

The Twins are consistently good as are the Marlins, A's, seemingly now the Rays. You do not have to break the bank if you know what you are doing and to cry foul simply because you did not get what you want is childish and makes the entire organization look a little bit like cry babies. The Yankees are accountable to nobody but their fans and they did great for them this off season. If that makes it too hard to compete, why not just take your ball and go home. Give up now like the Blue Jays have. A few years ago it was the SOX driving costs up so do not now get on your moral high horse and criticize another organization for pulling off what you failed to do. Wah wah, you didn't get A-Rod, or CC so its not fair. Here is a piece of advice for you SHUT THE F UP!!! You sound like JP and that is truly embarrassing.

Maybe you should call Ron Gardenhire and the Twins staff and have them explain how to build a real team...