So in the last week there have been some fairly dismal sports performances by my teams: The Leafs, while being “competitive” are badly outclassed every single night. Their opponents literally take nights off and this is how we have been able to fandangle a few victories. It’s embarrassing. The Celtics officially suck. The y lost to bloody New Jersey…are you kidding me???? My fantasy baseball team? Terrible. My whole draft plan got squashed, each time by the guy picking right in front of me…so what am I going to write about? How about a musical [phenomenon I call the fun 50. Fifty songs guaranteed to cheer me up and the reasons why. Please do not confuse this with my favourite 50 songs. I’ll get to that later, but for right now, it is too time consuming. For now, since I am drinking beer, Ill talk about songs that make me smile…they are MOSTLY devoid of merit in every other way. So sit back, and enjoy. Also, feel free to download any of them from Limewire or wherever so you can share in my enjoyment. and yes, I am listening to them as I write this…here we go..
1. A Criminal Mind – Gowan
Not Lawrence…this was when he was still Gowan. Apparently an old coworker of mine lives next to Gowan (lies) and saw his garage door destroy his hands, to which Gowan dropped to his knees and started screaming, “My Livelihood, my livelihood!!!” This will be incorporated into The Shop so watch for it when Tannis and I finish it.
2. Hi, How Are You? – Amplified Niki
I could have sworn this was my Brother in Law Ian, but apparently Amplified Niki is a real person. Hi, How are you? You need to hear this to believe how hilariously awesome it is.
3. No Easy Way Out – Robert Tepper
This song was on the soundtrack for Rocky IV, and I swore it would be my entrance music when I became a pro wrestler
4. Sunday Morning – K-OS
This song reminds me of V Fest 2007; K-Os riding around backstage on his bike while Scott and I sang this song at him. Lyla is doing her squat dance so obviously she approves.
5. Message in a Bottle – The Police
Tannis and I got to the show 5 minutes late and when we walked in, they were playing this song. We literally were hugging and jumping up and down, screaming, IT’S THE POLICE, OH MY GOD
6. Every Rose Has its Thorn – Poison
Kitchen on Euclid, 4 AM, Campfire Alex, busting out the acoustic, me singing the guitar solos, and a room full of folks handling lead vocals and tonnes of air drums…GREAT TIMES
7. So Long – Debaser
So Long, So Long, So Long…enough said…if you don’t get it, oh well J
8. Flags – Mercurymen
Tannis, Brendan Canning and I were the only 3 people in the bar, and the staff were telling the band to turn down, while we yelled at them to turn up. To this day this is one of the greatest bands that nobody knew of. I still LOVE this band
9. He’ll Have to Go – Joe Pesci
Yes, Joe Pesci has a record. In this ballad he rhymes man with….man. Brilliant! He makes my list just for this.
10. Woman – John Lennon
Barry O (250 lbs), a Matt Nokes jersey (Kids XL), the kitchen at Darby’s Pub…I’m getting misty just thinking about it.
11. Fuck You – Duff McKagan
I want the keys to my car, the keys to my house and give me homeboy’s keys, cuz I know you have them too! Duff at his drunken best
12. Crazy in Love – Beyonce
“Got me hopin’ you page me right now”...didn’t Jay-z realize this was in like 2001? Doesn’t Beyonce have a cell phone? This and the fact she has terrible rhythm makes this song so awesome. Just be hot and you can be a star.
13. Photograph – Def Leppard
Polonski’s apartment on Christmas Eve. This guy LOVED Def Leppard and would use anything as a mic. Dancing, singing and sweating. I miss that dude!
14. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) – Journey
Oh My., this video was terrible, yet awesome…mullets, air keyboards, a loading dock and a drummer who looked like they dragged him from a sewer. This was the time before you had to be good looking to be in a band. Its amazing how scary the girl in the video is…youtube this one for sure!
15. Naked Women and Beer – Hank Williams Jr.
Imagine your friends 85 year old Uncle coming home from the legion and commandeering your campfire and insisting on playing his own music, hen having him unleash this gem…this actually happened. Of course we had to hear this song about 375 times, but man Uncle Gord was just as enthusiastic with each play. This is an example of how nothing good happens at 3 AM…only GREAT things do!
16. You’re The Best Around – Joe Esposito
Daniel Larusso vs. The Cobra Kai… Mercy is for the weak. We do not train to be merciful, a man faces you he is the enemy and the enemy deserves no mercy. They should have brought this back for Karate Kid III…
17. Rock Soldiers – Ace Frehley
This song is terrible, yet awesome. Ace kinda sings, kinda raps, but unleashes the line. “If the devil wants to play his card game now…He’s going to have to play without an Ace in his deck” Bam! Take that devil , and take that world!
18. Ready to Die – Andrew W.K.
I describe this as homo erotic agro show tunes…never before has someone sounded so happy about killing someone…this guy should write music for Trey Parker and Matt Stone
19. Humpin’ Around – Bobby Brown
No matter what is going on you will never be as fucked up as Bobby Brown and this is why this song makes the list. He always makes you feel awesome about yourself. We love you Mr. Houston, no matter how sweaty and cracked out you are!!!!
20. You Spin Me Right Round – Dead or Alive
Grandma Molly I’m talking to you!!!! Nice save Wedding singer! This was the first movie Carly and I watched together. Never had 1 lesson, no thanks Pop!
21. The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground
Speaking of Carly, she hates this song, but I love it, and so does Tannis. This song is amazing, and I can listen to it all day….a doo reeer do reeet. Do you look like MC Hammer on crack? Whatever, this song is like crack, f MC Hammer.
22. Soldier of Love – Donny Osmond
Another Barry O favourite…I don’t actually like this song, but it makes me laugh, because if you knew Barry O, you would agree how bizarre it is that he likes Donny Osmond. He did however buy Hands Up on my iTunes account…
23. I’m Still Standing – Elton John
This song has become the theme song for gambling (football) season…each week we survive in the pool, we play this song and dance. It is optimistic as we still have a chance at becoming thousandaires. Not that we have gambling problems or anything, but, we kinda do…BTW, I hate Denver and everything about it.
24. Got You (Where I Want You) – The Flys
Someone actually told me this was the best song ever. It makes the list simply for this reason. I actually know the dumbest person in the world. Good for me!
25. Love me Sexy – Jackie Moon
A fictional character writes a hit song and buys a basketball team…it's my dream in one song! When I Say Love me, you say Sexy…LOVE ME! Your turn…
Take off your shoes and suck me sexy…
26. Hearts on Fire – John Cafferty
Another from the Rocky IV soundtrack…this song gets you all jacked up. My friend Sting and I thought that if we run and do shit in the snow it would make us tough like Rocky, so every recess in Grade 5 after seeing this, we did Rocky training in the snow in the schoolyard. I am going to put a picture of every softball team we are playing on my bathroom mirror and right before I leave for the game I am going to crumple it up and throw it away like Rocky did, while listening to this song….DRAGO!!!!!
27. Human – The Killers
If this song was actually released it shows anyone can release any piece of crap…so go be a musician. You can do way better than this junk. It is a song of hope.
28. Jump – Kris Kross
The Mack Dad will make you Jump Jump! The Daddy Mack will make you Jump Jump! Backwards clothes, pre-teens trying to be badass…It’s Wigittywiggitywiggity whack!
29. All Night Long – Lionel Ritchie
How can this song not make you smile? If it doesn’t open up the vinyl copy of this to the two-panel picture of Lionel sliding down a pole of some sort…a perfect combination! It’s time to Party, Carnival, Fiesta, Forever. Or at least All Night Long!
30. Drop The Needle – Maestro Fresh Wes
This brings back memories of hanging out at Brucey’s house, British Knights and crazy shirts. Carly and I also tried to go to see him, sans the Fresh Wes part on the first night we hung out. I wasn’t wearing a black tuxedo with a Cumber band, damn, but my sacroiliac hurts often
31. Straight Outta’ Compton – NWA
Not only is this one of the two best Rap songs EVER, it is a favourite of Tannis, Ryan and I when we get drunk and start rappin‘ in my living room. NWA is awesome, and they have stood the test of time, and when they ask, “what about the bitch that got shot?” The appropriate answer is “fuck her, you think I give a fuck about a bitch? I ain’t a sucka’!” Damn that shit was dope!
32 Summertime – New Kids on the Block
This song made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Nothing makes me laugh more than mid-30’s former teen idols trying to get back some of the old glory. Donnie managed to get out of jail, Joey got a leave from Boston Public, Jordan stopped making reality shows, Jon got time off from his real estate gig, and who knows where Danny was, but he had to eat yo! Reunions are terrible, but this one was above and beyond…they still made more money than I’ll ever see so maybe they are laughing at me writing this…
33. Hope – Our Lady Peace
Jessel’s house, and a lot of weed…we almost died laughing screaming these lyrics at the top of our lungs…not sure what made it funny, but my guess would be the weed. At any rate, I still snicker and smile whenever I hear it. MY GOD SHE SAID!!!!!!
34. Ghetto Superstar – Pras
I find it hilarious that they made a rap song out of Islands in the Stream by Kenny and Dolly, and even bought the tape to play it side by side and laugh….I have a bad habit of buying music simply to laugh along with it, but whatever, we all have issues
35. The Show Must Go On – Queen
Now I know this is going to make me seem very insensitive, but it must be taken ONLY in this specific context. When Prisley comes over, once every two years and begins to drink like it was a Malvern Dance, he commandeers the stereo and plays a very limited and predictable selection of songs that include, lots of Clapton, Believe by Lenny Kravitz (on repeat), and this song. However, while this song plays, he screams to anyone who will listen “Freddie Mercury is a genius…HE HAD AIDS”, as if none of us are aware of what happened to Fred. So while it is a very sad story, it becomes humourous as now anytime this song comes on, Tannis or I will say to the other “He had AIDS!” in our best Prisley voices. Then we put on The End by the Doors 16 times as Prisley would…did I mention Prisley is a priest?
36. Drive – REM
At the 1994 MTV video awards, Michael Stipe did a spirited rendition of this song where he danced around in a very bizarre manner. Now, everyone watching with us began making fun of Stipe, after watching and praising Eddie Vedder as muttered and looked essentially ridiculous throughout his set. So cool and interesting! Now this annoyed me because how could Eddie Vedder be cool and Stipe be made fun of for doing the same thing? I lost it and launched into a verbal tirade directed at everyone present for being such hypocrites. I ended the rant with, “Come on Tannis, lets get the fuck outta here!” and promptly left. I don’t even like REM. It was at this moment I realized how much I can’t stand pretentious dinks…
37. Bonzo Goes To Bitburg – The Ramones
When I formed a Ramones cover band I did not really know the Ramones at all. I used my position in the Evil Doers to set up a live interview on EDGE 102.1 during Live in Toronto to promote our show; the only problem was I didn’t know any songs besides the songs we were playing. I managed to fake my way through the interview, but nearly blew it when asked about this song…I have since come to know and love it, although in reality I already knew it. It is amazing how many Ramones songs exist in our daily lives and most people don’t even know it’s them! Stay in Rock n’ Roll High School kids!
38. Perfect Friend – Randy Macho Man Savage
Do I even need to explain this?…Randy Savage made a rap album. I do want to give special mention to the soul singer in the background doing his best Boyz to Men impression under Macho's stellar rapping…You’re my Perfect friend, right there until the end…Mr. Perfect don’t you know that you’ll be truly missed!
39. Burn On – Randy Newman
This makes me think of the opening sequence of Major League, which illustrates my favourite time of year…Baseball season. That was the second best baseball movie ever, behind *61, and put the Cleveland Indians back in the public conscious. Up your butt Joboo!
40. I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred
Any song that gave us a decent description of a state of baldness is GREAT in my books…Right Said Fred Bald…you know exactly what that means! The song however is easily the worst on this list…well maybe except for Human because the Killers were good at one point.
41. In This Country – Robin Zander
Over the Top…great fucking movie! This is why you turn your hat around backwards before going to "work"…it also reminds me of the last few days of Grade 8…I think this song may have actually been played at my graduation, which of course I had a lot to do with. We played it on the ghetto blaster during recess while we played foot hockey. I actually went searching for this movie, and on the day I found it, Barry O called me after years of nothing. As soon as I mentioned this to him he replied with, “You’re nose hurt Hawkes?????”
42. Somebody’s Watching Me – Rockwell
This song is awesome, and will always make me smile. The cheesy keyboard, Michael Jackson singing the Chorus, and the scary ass mailman reaching up in the video with is arm all bleeding. What was the symbolism of that???
43. Seal – Crazy
Cuba…Barry O and the dancer who stole his soap on a rope and shower shoes, The bizarre witch doctor who offered Prisley women as a cure for his sickness, fish heads, Keith and his cigars, me throwing up in the pool, the old folks offering to pay for us to stay, our first time meeting legitimate lesbians (this was 93 after all), the weird bartender, the map of Israel, and of course The Cuban Fiancé. Classic! It’s not a burn mate, it’s a tan…aww Ringo!
44. I Know I Got Skillz – Shaq
Yes I have this song, and it is rivaling Human for being terrible, but it is Shaq, and everybody loves Shaq. This is on par with Kazaam as his worst idea ever
45. Informer – Snow
We used to see this guy surrounded by kids in the food court of Pickering Town Centre…like every time we were there. The song is so unintelligible I had to put it on the list
46. Who Loves Ya Baby – Telly Savalas
This was an original by Telly, and it was awesome…The album cover is him in a white leisure suit…on stage! He actually performed live! I am going to go out on a limb and say he was one of the first rappers…he couldn’t sing so he just talked the lyrics to such favourites as Rubber Bands and Bits of String, You’ve Lost that Loving Feelin’ and Something. This was his masterpiece.
47 Girl, You Know it’s True – Milli Vanilli
I sat back and thought about the way things used to be. It really means a lot to me, you mean a lot to me
Do I really mean that much to you?
Girl you know its true
Said in your best Milli Vanilli accent…
48. Everybody Have Fun Tonight – Wang Chung
Pure unintended comedic gold! He uses his own name in the song which sets it apart from other songs about partying. I mean, who else’s name is a synonym for a good time? Only Wang Chung my friends!
49. Demolition – Rick Derringer
The best original wrestling theme song ever. Bad ass, and menacing, just like they were before Axe got too old and Crush came on board. Real American (also by Derringer) was awesome too, but the video of Hogan playing guitar over crappy backdrops all over American totally ruined its cred…except when Mr. Wonderful stole it because he thought he was the Real American! That was awesome! Come to think of it, all of 80’s wrestling was awesome!
50. Mr. Tambourine Man – William Shatner
This song is almost too good for words…Shatner, “artfully" talking over a weird tripped out Karaokish version of this song…and my doe she ever take it seriously. You absolutely have to hear it to believe it..MR TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!
Well there you have it; 50 songs guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, reminisce and not take life too seriously. Hopefully my explanations have encouraged you to download many of these and create your own memories and maybe some of them even encouraged you to play music. Not through traditional means, like inspiration, but by simply being so awful that you feel anyone can do better. Don’t beat me up K-OS, Ice Cube, Tommy Ramone, Randy Newman or Police or Nevin, you are all one of the ones with talent!
Maybe next week I'll tackle the best songs ever in my opinion. These are all songs that leave me saying, wow, somebody actually wrote this song!!!
